time after time

2012-02-11T02:55:00.002+08:00

Everything is just too painful to hear, that is all.

I just want to hug you & tell you that it will be fine, i'll be here, that is all.

These feelings are too much for me to handle, that is all.

2012-02-10T02:32:00.005+08:00

holey moley, me oh my,

you're the apple of my eye,

girl, i've never loved one like you.

home is wherever i'm with you.

asdkjdal kfhsaufhdfudsuf imissyou asiudsaoidhapoioosk

because you're so far away saklnasfknjasfkdjlfdjfl i can only give you broccoli hearts <3 auhfiaofnansjlafjksnflakfnalsjkfhafejfeiopfjpqoefipemfpa;a;; yesimissyou apoidaspdmasidpoasskkdmfkdmdkkdllslsls

on a slightly unrelated note, i cannot focus on my school work.

2012-02-04T03:22:00.006+08:00

13 days can already make alot of difference, let alone 5 fucking months.

The helpless feeling when somebody you like (very much) is far far away in a foreign land, committing impulsive-but-gratifying-in-its-own-way acts and then...tells you all about it because she trusts you as a friend. Friend-zoned, such misery. Can you imagine how painful it is to have this person whom you like so very much, telling you that she's thinking of going after someone else? Having this same person tweeting vague references about somebody else whom she compares to the "sun"? Well, let me tell you, it's FUCKING painful. It's that "tightness" in your chest, and knowing that it's purely psychological only seems to drive you to another level of insanity.

And after all that nonsense, comes a wave of personal demons representing all forms of insecurities, particularly, "oh i will never be good enough for her". Which can then be segregated into subcategories of: "oh i'm not smart enough", "oh i'm not good looking enough", "oh i'm too boyish" and, "oh i'm just not your type". These are the toughest battles to face, you can never really win, only can freeze those demons away for a while.

....I cant find muster the effort required to cloak my feelings with decorative words anymore. It's just very simply, I miss her & I wish she would choose me instead. Everyone & anyone who gets in my way please fuck off now thanks.

I am too tired and I just want to be myself.

2012-01-22T01:45:00.005+08:00

Ven the pig commented that I havent blog in a long while, well that's because I've switched to tumblr & private word documents saved on my mac.

Regardless, just a short post on my birthday. It was time well spent, I went to dodgy & dark LAN shops to play l4d2 for three consecutive days. It was wonderful. I've also spent quality time with bestf just eating tau hway & hanging out, with yn & eil massive zombies killing spree, with china girl talking talking talking, with syl lazing the rainy afternoon away with lesbian shows & vids and then linda & bestia for more zombies killing (especially the fucked up Tank which can regenerate, teleport, turn invisible & combust).

Of course, the best part of the day is when kokster viber called me with a "hap burp" which is her way of saying "happy birthday", which I misheard as "hamster". And then she proceeded to speak of random things while brushing her teeth at the same time (i heard strange background noises & questioned her), & then some violent coughing because she choked on her retainers (somehow). That on some level is super endearing to me but at the same time i felt obligated to reprimand her because it's just SO kok. After that was more random conversation & her ending off with a, "okay i'll whatsapp you tmr, i'm going to sleep, bye, love you."

And I thought that, if I have to choose someone to spend the next few years of my life (or maybe even the rest of it, i dont know) with, she will be the girl. BUT FIRST, I have to make my feelings for her known. eh eh ehhh ._.

2011-11-25T02:17:00.002+08:00

I decided that there are some things to rant about hence I'm back here!

Well, I've started a job at this huge company doing retail & of course I'm not gonna mention the name here because well, I dont want to get into trouble that's for sure.

This company that I've started working with, places a HUGE emphasis on looks, most of the girls I see working with me are good-looking, if not well groomed. I've caught a glimpse of those whose positions require "good looks" as part of the job requirements and they are jaw-dropping pretty I tell you, no joke k. As for the dudes, well I'm not interested so I didnt really look at them except having the impression that they're mostly gorilla-sized.

What spurred this rant is this one day, when we were all queuing up to receive the stock from TNT, and I was alone behind this group of dudes who were talking loudly about the job. Obviously I overheard so I made a comment. They kinda just, spared me a glance and went back to their loud talking. This is fine with me, since I did feel that my comment was kinda random and slightly awkward, BUT, one of the dudes gave me a judging look.

That fired me up but I managed to keep my cool thinking, poor pre-pubercent boys who dont know how to talk to girls. Then the next day, I saw this same dude chatting to two random girls and being able to hold a conversation reasonably well and I was like, HOLY THIS BASTARD.

I think working in this company really made me feel more conscious and insecure about my looks. Of course I'm not gonna hole myself up & cry, I'm feeling more of anger than anything. The entire place is like a social playground, the girls giggled at the boys not-funny-at-all jokes and the boys only talk to the pretty girls. It makes me so mad that I just wanna shout, GROW. THE. FUCK. UP. I know it's normal, but it just saddens me how superficial this society can be and how this mentality is being perpetuated in this environment.

I've gotten to know some people, mostly girls because you know I cant be bothered to talk to most guys when they look like they think with their dicks. And yes, some of these girls, they aint your typical pretty good looking girls but the way they smile, the way they speak and the way they work, has a certain allure. What I meant to say here, good looks aint everything if your character sucks & you show how shallow you're when you speak. I think it's more important to be well-groomed, like you know how to make yourself look presentable more and know how to dress differently for different occasions.

At this point, I really wanna rant about the guys, but then again, I cant be bothered to.

I think my frustration stems from having to interact with people who aint exactly at the same level of maturity as I am. I'm not saying that I'm super mature, I'm just saying that I view certain things differently now.

2011-08-20T00:29:00.003+08:00

I stopped blogging here because I got to a point where the things on my mind become too personal to be shared publicly. I never stopped writing though, bits & pieces of them here and there, everywhere, because it's too dangerous to keep all your eggs in one basket.

Anyway, that's beside the point. I've been thinking about some stuff which I just wanna regurgitate here. Incoherently because I'm lazy to organize them.

I've been going to the lesb club quite frequently in these couple of months and yeah well, it's nice to drink & then dance wildly with a buzz but more importantly, that feeling of being surrounded by girls who ohmygawdd, like girls too. I know it sounds silly, but whenever I see my lesb friends being so cute and sweet with their girls, or just random lesb couples outside holding hands, I get this warm feeling and a sense of amazement, that wow, these people are happy and does it really matter that the person who made them feel that way is of the same gender as them? Look at us, look at them, look at those smiles and say, big fuck you to society and societal norms those bullshit.

I think one of the several cute moments I had with the girl was when we were out shopping at Far East Plaza and this really pretty angmoh girl walked past us and immediately our eyes followed her like pervs. Then almost as if telepathy exists, we looked at each other at the same time with a cheeky smile. She was like, "we're so lesbian". Checking out cute girls together with other lesbs has got to be one of my favourite things to do lol.

I only came out around this time last year. I have a friend who once told me that she felt bad because she felt that she had influenced me into going down this road & that I shouldnt because my life will be fucked up. Sooo, here's what I always wanted to tell her but I didnt want to, because I dont want conflicts & those nonsense. She should not have assumed that I only have feelings for girls starting last year. Unknown to her (& friend ah, you never bother asking me too), I've always been so since like, primary school lol. But it had always been one of those things that I choose to ignore, because ignoring things can make them go away. But it didnt, so here I am now, at a point in my life where I'm finally digging these skeletons out from the closet, and accepting things the way they are.

Let us also analyzed what my friend had said about "my life will be fucked up". Yes in a way she's right, I've been miserable like fuck (getting better I would say though) for about a month now. It's been a month since the girl I've such strong feelings for, the girl whose heart I've been trying to win over since march, the girl whom had truly made me understood the feeling of being infinite as well as eternal gloom; got herself a girlfriend and told me that she didnt have feelings for me.

That moment was, the saddest I ever felt. Even the word "sad" seems too mild to describe how I had felt/am actually still feeling. Okay, maybe "eternal gloom" would suffice. Regardless, I would just like to say that despite all the heartaches & pain & sadness, she really, really, made me feel the happiest I could be. I miss her badly, but I know I need to get over her because she's obviously doing well without me by her side.

Sometime we lose, sometime we gain. If we try to convert "life" into a line graph, there would be all these branches and alternate routes for all the points in our life where decisions are made, consciously, subconsciously. I've met good people, form friendships, things that would not have been possible if say, a different route was taken. I think at the end of the day, we'll have to remember that everything happens for a reason and just because life is shit now, doesnt mean it will be so forever.

I think I'm at this point in my life where I find it unnecessary to hide this part about myself because I've never been this comfortable about myself. My friends who love me, accept this and I'm forever thankful for that.

Okay end of sharing, time to go back to those damn research & readings zzz.

2011-08-19T00:10:00.000+08:00

MY FRIEND'S CAT IS SO CUTE OMG IT'S A PERSIAN.

2011-08-18T08:50:00.001+08:00

This is how I'm going to school today.

2011-07-25T04:15:00.004+08:00

I think about my life before I met you and I think about now. I think about how much I miss our texts and just having that reassurance that you're out there but never too far from me. I think about how perhaps, you're really happier with her and how at the end of the day, I never really lost nor have I won. Decisions should be respected and you have obviously made yours very clear. I hope that she doesnt hurt you because I obviously still care about you, very much. I wish you had believe in what we had together, because it was good and we made each other happy.

Now, somebody please grant me the strength to deal with everything with as much maturity as I should have. Once again, I continue to tell myself that everything happens for a reason, good things fall apart so better things can fall together & that we do not forget, we just learn to deal with the loss.

And oh, friends, please dont ask me what happened, I do not want to talk about this anymore.

2011-07-23T08:47:00.004+08:00

I've never felt this much sadness ever, it is so difficult to handle because it is a feeling, you cant scratch at it, peel it off and make it go away. My chest hurts and I think this is my mind's way of dealing with it, emotional pain manifested into physical pain, just to have something that feels real. I have to have the talk with her tonight, let's hope that it goes well and I get some answers so I can be ready for a closure if it really comes to that.

2011-07-17T04:30:00.001+08:00

Girls like her would not fall for girls like me. Not when they can have anybody they want, well okay, almost anybody they want.

PMS-ing like crazzzyyyy~

2011-07-09T18:57:00.003+08:00

What I need to do now is to forget about those damn girls, especially her; and focus on things that are important, things that I enjoy.

I feel like I say this to myself all the time but I'm not doing it hmmm.

I SWEAR I'LL DO SOME PAINTING TONIGHT!

2011-07-09T12:14:00.002+08:00

Night cycling provides a good opportunity to think about things. I think the moment when you speed down a slope, it's the closest feeling you can get to flying. The wind crashing against you & the whistling sound in your ears, almost deafening. The thrill of free falling (almost) and the teensy risk of crashing. I would ride up & down that slope near the Home Team chalet if I could, again & again, just to get that feeling of being... free.

Soo, obviously I was thinking about her as I pedaled mindlessly. I honestly dont know what we'll become, friends? Lovers? I dont understand why she can be jealous that I'm hanging out with other people one moment & then tried to get me interested in her pretty-but-straight friend in the other.

Girls are weird.

2011-07-04T03:24:00.000+08:00

Should have gotten my bites like hers :/

2011-06-30T04:01:00.004+08:00

Sometimes I feel like she drove me insane, not that I should put the blame entirely on her.

How I can be so irrational and thought only of myself, how I feel, how she is making me feel rather than being partial and looking at the big picture. I wallow in this pool of misery that I created (though not single-handedly), digging deeper and deeper as the water level starts to rise above my head. I know what the big picture is, I kind of know what I should be doing but things like this, you dont always do what you think.

Arghhh my head hurts & I cant think clearly.

2011-06-30T03:33:00.002+08:00

I think she is where I think she is right now, and all I want is to be there with her.

I'm feeling extremely in need for cuddles right now & this is bad.

2011-06-30T00:37:00.003+08:00

Cleaning my shelves & came across my diary of 2003-2004.

It's really interesting comparing then & now, also feeling very relived that my English standard has improved tremendously.

Despite it being 7, 8 years ago, somethings never change. Too tired to elaborate now but I would like to point out this thing which I quoted from Joan (coincidently it's her birthday today), she said "Don't care what others said. The most important thing is believe in who you believe you are." Like wow. If my memory isnt faulty, she probably told me that when we were 11 or 12 yrs old. Funny how certain things already made so much sense when you're young.

2011-06-28T10:59:00.002+08:00

Jealousy.

I shouldnt be feeling this but I am.

And what is this telling me?

That I'm caring TOO MUCH.

Hang me by my ankles & swing me to my senses.

2011-06-27T18:10:00.000+08:00

This is what happens all the time.

2011-06-25T11:04:00.002+08:00

Holding on to this feeling before it slipped away as it may not come back.

2011-06-21T02:42:00.001+08:00

Today I saw a girl who looked sooooo damn familiar but I couldnt bloody figure out why. In the end, I think she's the girl who I asked if I could dance with at PLAY and she rejected nicely. lollollollollollollol

2011-06-19T23:07:00.002+08:00

My moods swing like a pendulum, back & forth, back & forth.

Because of her, I've been experiencing all sorts of emotions and feelings, they smash into me at the most unexpected timings, their impact momentarily stun me into stillness. Tracing each decision paths back slowly & wondering how different things would have been, if I had not met N on tumblr, if I had not became good friends with N, if I had not accidentally blurt out that N was underage to C, if N had not wanted to go to PLAY on the night C was working, if I had not felt so damn guilty that I rushed down to meet N, if we had not been sitting by the roadside waiting & hence met her.. Life is strange.

I told her that our friendship is more important than anything else and even though we're in this gray area between friends & lovers, I told her that we should just appreciate each other's company and she agreed that we should just go with the flow. What's gonna happen, I dont even dare to guess. I think ultimately, the goal is to be happy, whether it's with each other or with someone else.

I think after that night, she seems to trust me more & now I'm happy again. How strange a person could have such a hold on me & that I would actually care that much about her. Slightly wiser than before, I'm no longer stumbling blindly with my hands tied to the sides.

2011-06-19T12:14:00.003+08:00

Is it possible to be so happy that your heart feels constricted & you feel as if your feet has wings & you could do anything? I guess it's possible because I'm feeling all of that.

This time I hope the feeling lasts.

2011-06-10T01:20:00.001+08:00

Feeling angry & miserable like fuck. I just want some fucking answers & a resolution!!!!

2011-06-08T03:12:00.000+08:00

http://www.flickr.com/photos/ilona-skorobulatova/4954961428/in/photostream/

This is me. I'm a cat (^._.^)

2011-06-05T18:16:00.002+08:00

2011-06-04T23:58:00.001+08:00

All I'm doing is to stare at your name & wish really hard that you'll talk to me, that we'll webcam like we did before but no. Things are different now. :/

2011-06-03T04:36:00.000+08:00

I'm just so angry with everything, with myself.

2011-06-03T03:14:00.003+08:00

I think what I miss most is the closeness between us rather than you.

I dont really know either.

I feel weird when I dont text you but you make me so upset all the time.

What the hell.

Why do I always feel this way on thursday nights.

2011-06-01T03:57:00.002+08:00

I'm fucked.

When you sang the song & played the uke & kinda dedicated it to me, I swear I gave the brightest smile I ever had in these past months. Then, my heart when thudthudTHUD. I really, really wish circumstances were different, in my mind I dont think it will work out but in my heart, I WISHED REALLY HARD.

I'm fucked because I'm not suppose to feel this way because damnit, we're friends first. I think we'll be good together but I don't even dare to think about it anymore because I don't want anything to ruin what we have now.

UGHHH! WHAT IS THIS NONSENSE THAT I'M FEELING???

Okay, okay, I shall tell myself that I will not think about this.

2011-05-29T12:31:00.002+08:00

Where did this wave of sadness come from? Wisps of it surrounds me & it's an uncomfortable feeling. Tell me now where was my fault, in loving you with my whole heart.

Ughhh mornings.

2011-05-27T11:17:00.003+08:00

All those physical contact in the club didnt do me any good. It was suppose to make me feel like I'm part of something. Well yes, I do feel good with the crowd, but not within the crowd. I finally understood why I felt so alone despite all these bodies everywhere. When she came into my life, she got herself a spot in my heart and when she left, the void remains and there it stays and nothing else could fill it up but her. I know I should be moving on because everybody else seems to think that she isnt right for me, I think that she might not be right either, but I guess when it's your first you really want to make it work somehow. But what is truly yours will eventually be yours, and what is not, no matter how hard you try, will never be. I try to remember that. The key word here being "try".

2011-05-26T03:14:00.002+08:00

So unhappy with myself right now.

I NEED TO GET THINGS DONE.

I NEED TO MAKE THINGS HAPPEN.

WHY AM I FEELING THIS WAY.

3..2..1.

Connection lost. Please try again later.

2011-05-26T02:59:00.002+08:00

Things are probably easier when one doesnt give a fuck for anything.

Unfortunately I care too much.

2011-05-24T11:11:00.004+08:00

Bloodshot eyes, tired face. Hint of a frown, expression otherwise blank and I can only make a guess at how much pain you're going through right now.

"Why are you staring at me?"

"I'm not, my eyes are small so they're actually closed."

That's me trying to read you, trying to figure out what's on your mind, trying to sense if you want me around, trying very very hard to make everything better.

I would do anything I can to make you smile, but I need you to do the same for me too.

Telling me via text that you want to see me & then appear unenthusiastic when we finally met up after so long is confusing for me. I know you've a lot on your plate right now but you've got to give me reasons to stay otherwise I dont think I'll be able to. :(

Unsaid words which exist in a temporal space.

2011-05-23T03:39:00.004+08:00

Tonight at Fort Canning, there were angry flashes of lightning and soft droplets of rain. The clouds were looming over us, as if they're going to descend upon us any moment. The sky turned red and everybody was bath with red glow. It was bright but it was dark and it was beautiful. That feeling was... good. In that moment, I feel so strangely alive. It probably wouldnt matter if the world ends in the next few hours because I feel like I've done the best I could and loved everybody who matters as much as I could.

2011-05-22T17:00:00.000+08:00

2011-05-22T02:36:00.003+08:00

I still feel that you like me for the attention I'm giving you, the attention that you need to make you feel wanted. I'm beginning to doubt myself, my reasons for liking you that much. I cant leave, I wouldnt, but you shouldnt keep me trapped like that. If there's nothing to make me happy, I feel that I should move on and you should let me. It's really unfair because you've no right to keep me by your side like a spare, while you appears to still care for someone else. I dont know, I really dont. It's too damn tiring on my part do you know.

2011-05-17T12:58:00.000+08:00

http://www.flickr.com/photos/tonymadrid/4825352058/

2011-05-17T11:09:00.003+08:00

Before I went to bed last night, I sent her a goodmorning text because I want it to be the first thing she sees in the morning.

This morning as I'm on my way to work, I miss her, I think about what I would say when/if I meet her tomorrow but I think a hug would speak volumes.

How can a person make you feel down like fuck at times and so happy like you're infinite other times???

We shall see.

Late last night was spent with Nicole on the open space at Bras Basah & we talked alot so it was nice.

2011-05-16T04:07:00.002+08:00

L are full of drama ohmygoodness.

2011-05-16T02:44:00.001+08:00

I did not meet _ afterall. _ cancelled on me, though with good reason. _ then texted me at night because _ was bored, so I guess I'm really just entertainment.

2011-05-16T02:38:00.002+08:00

I wrote this when I was at work on Friday the 13th. Blogger was down..

There have never been anyone whose madness could complement mine as we laugh at ourselves, at each other, at the ridiculous nature of life, everything.

Insecurities are overwhelming. Perhaps if you could explain to me the buzzing sound in your head, so loud, so loud yet I cant make sense of it. I need to know that you want me too. The spaces between my fingers are where yours fit perfectly. I still feel your skin, soft as velvet, thick as sin. You're not around me but you're everywhere. Judging eyes, curious faces. Why should we care.

I dont want to have to share you with someone else, Im afraid that someone who isnt me occupies the space in your head, my heart hurts at the thought of you giving yours to someone else. Numbness. Because nobody can withstand this onslaught of feelings. I feel everything and then I stop feeling anything.

"would you be there for me a little more". I would say the same to you.

Times when you just want to run away from your own head.

2011-05-14T02:23:00.006+08:00

How easily you upset me! Yes, just by not replying to my text when I asked you a question. No excuses such as, oh I was too busy doing other things. I know you check your phone & reply to messages on a regular basis.

So what am I suppose to think?

I guess I'm just not interesting & engaging enough for you.

But I know that I can make you happy.

Your loss!

Sunday is probably gonna be my last attempt. I'm really, really tired of trying so hard but not getting anything from you. If you're testing me, stop! It's unfair to me you know. I need to be with someone who tries to make me happy too. I think I have to give up because all these anxiety is doing me no good.

Late night rambles.

2011-05-14T01:07:00.003+08:00

I cant see what's ahead of us, I cant see where we're heading. Where is the sense of adventure and exhilaration as we venture into the unknown, into the fog so thick that you cant even see your own hands? It's like trying to find a pin in the dark, hands outstretched, hoping that your roaming fingers find what you're looking for. There is fear, there is apprehension, there is uncertainty and there is some hope. Hope burns like a flame, a light in the dark but even fire burns out eventually. It's like searching for something that might not even exist but you continue anyway, grabbing at any form of distractions to keep the tendrils of nothingness from touching you. Anxiety builds up, one hair breath from the edge. These bearers of sadness are always there, little nudges to remind you of their presence but never a shove. You teetered and you fall. Or was that a leap of faith?

I cant handle ambiguity.

2011-05-11T05:05:00.002+08:00

This is a narrative, of my story using other people's words.

2011-05-11T04:20:00.004+08:00

I was upset over something. It's like little little baby incidents could trigger a landslide of feelings. They can be rather overwhelming, imagine a big snowball of mixed feelings rolled into one and it came crashing onto you before you can even blink. Yeah.

So this song perfectly describes how I felt.

I don’t know where I’m at
I’m standing at the back
And I’m tired of waiting
Waiting here in line, hoping that I’ll find what I’ve been chasing.

I shot for the sky
I’m stuck on the ground
So why do I try, I know I’m gonna to fall down
I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?
Never know why it’s coming down, down, down.

Not ready to let go
Cause then I'd never know
What I could be missing
But I’m missing way too much
So when do I give up what I’ve been wishing for.

- Down, Jason Walker

Then _ texted me and said something silly and there I sat on my dirty bedroom floor grinning like an idiot at my phone. Yes, it takes that little to make me happy again. I feel like a psychopath, with these emotions going up and down and up and down and how sometimes they can stay for quite a while and sometimes they changes as quick as a snap.

It drives me crazy because sometimes _ acts like it doesnt matter to _, that I'm out partying at PLAY, that I'm checking out ahem ahem with David, that some girl (my classmate lah) is coming over to my house, how _ tells me to "HAVE FUN! ENJOY YOURSELF!" So what does this means? Maybe _ really doesnt care, maybe _ didnt think that we're exclusive so like whatever, we should have our own fun as much as we can????? So at the end of the day, what are WE? Friends? Cuddle-buddies? Entertainment for each other when we're bored?

Or that _ cares too much that _ had to pretend that _ doesnt give a fuck because _ doesnt want to make _self vulnerable & be hurt again?? Or am I kidding myself because I want _ to care??

I DONT KNOW. See? Analyzing and trying to figure _ out drives me crazy and make me feel so damn tired. If only life is straightforward, but nothing is ever in black and white.

Shall go back to watching vampire diaries & eating cheesecake at like 4.40am.

2011-05-08T02:39:00.003+08:00

I texted/talked to _ as friends. Please let me be able to keep it that way. I think I'm seeing better without those rose-tinted glasses.

Today I talked to Clarence about _ and he said, "You two werent even official!"

Which made me sad because I feel like I've given alot of myself to _ but _ didnt, not as much as me anyway.

_ mentioned this person-whom-i-wanted-to-punch AGAIN in _'s text, which is damn annoying because I just feel that _ cant get over this person!!

Angsty. I really should sleep but I want to eat cup noodles damnit.

2011-05-07T13:18:00.003+08:00

In the end, I remember that what matters the most is being happy, and being around people who make you happy.

I miss _'s company because we did have fun together but I think I need to move on.

2011-05-07T03:07:00.002+08:00

I saw this book about the universe at kino today & it looks so awesome.

Unfortunately my membership card was gone along with my wallet & I cant get the damn discounts.

2011-05-07T01:22:00.003+08:00

I dont understand why people can change partners like how I change socks. The situation resembles a dish-tasting session, once you get a bite, you push it away and move on to the next one as if everything that had happened didnt, and the special moments where you felt like you're infinite become the ghost of memories. It is like a tape, you rewind and what happened doesnt matter anymore because you restart and everything is new and fresh and beautiful. Clean slates we call it. The imprint is still there, but you choose not to notice because it is easier to pretend and deny its existence. Like a predator, it lurks in a corner of your mind, until you forget about it being there and then suddenly it surprises you and you cant fight it off anymore because you no longer remember how to. You lose because nobody ever wins.

2011-05-07T00:35:00.003+08:00

My wallet was stolen yesterday and it felt as if my world has ended. The trouble of canceling/blocking my cards and re-making them is just nonsense, not to mention the amount of money involved.

Adding shit to this pile of shit is what _ had said to me via text. Three words to describe my feelings-

WHAT THE FUCK.

I'm upset and angry with what _ said and... I think I'm giving up on all these pursuing and the hopes that _ would reciprocate in the same manner. When I complained to my friends that _ makes judgmental statements about me without actually attempting to understand me better first, I thought, or could I have actually misread her? I dont know, I guess I really do try to see the good side of people, because everybody has their own demons in their back pocket and personal battles to fight everyday.

I just know that I feel damn tired. Tired of putting in effort and not being appreciated because _'s heart is elsewhere. Do you really have to lose somebody before you realize how much they meant to you?

I still feel your skin

Soft as velvet, thick as sin

Whisper tender, shiver deep

You got me good

No good for me

- OONA

2011-05-04T23:04:00.001+08:00

I feel ridiculous.

2011-05-04T22:27:00.001+08:00

Fuck.

I didnt think that you not replying to my text for hours and not replying to your close friend on fb would actually drive me crazy.

But it did.

WHERE ARE YOU OMG.

2011-05-04T03:35:00.002+08:00

You were drunk and you bit my arm really hard. I have a scar/bruise & I think of you every time I look down at my arm. But what happens when it fades off? The ghost of the memory lingers and I dont think I can ever forget.

2011-05-04T02:50:00.003+08:00

So like, life hasnt really been a bed of roses lately but while I complain about the shitzz that happened, there's also the little things in life to be thankful for.

Assessment is on thurs and my group hasnt even finalized the damn slides!!! I get most annoyed when everybody starts digressing & talk about unrelated stuff & generally just wasting time when we could have gotten our things done earlier! I didnt feel that I'm in any position to reprimand them since I dont really have much constructive comments to add to the slides so I just kept really quiet.. and got really grumpy too. But whatever, I just want to get this shitzz over and done with.

Had dinner with Ethel after that discussion and we talked alot. Well, mostly I talked & she felt sad for me & kinda tried to cheer me up. She's usually a bitch (HAHHAAH) but she's nice to talk to sometimes when we're not busy shooting each other down.

Head down to the shop at PS to meet my colleague Ash for some supper (aka Round 2) and I forced her to get Popeye and Frolick with me from The Cathay. After that we headed over to SOTA and sat on the steps and talked about alot of things, mostly about girls hahahha. We stalked some people online, giggled like femmies while still trying to behave like the andros we are and basically had a good few hours of talking and purely just hanging out. I cant helped it, I kept bringing up _ because _ wouldnt stay the fuck off my mind!

_ hasnt been texting me. I'm giving this a couple more days, until after my assessment. If this continues, I will know that I shouldnt have my hopes up because clearly, it's not gonna happen. Friends we shall be then. You still matter a lot to me. -sad face forever-

Mundane life is mundane. I need to dream to run away. Please let me dream tonight.

2011-05-02T20:17:00.003+08:00

With the sudden "disappearance" of _ from my life recently, I feel so.. blank. Every second seems to take a second longer to pass and hours of being left alone seems to stretch for eternity. I'm so exaggerating here but that's really how it feels like. Yes, I could have made the move and end my kinda-self-inflicted-misery but... There's always the "but's".

I wish _ would care.

Seriously bored at work right now & wishing for a change of environment.

2011-04-30T11:22:00.004+08:00

I dont know what to say anymore. I dont know what you think and I dont know what you think I'm thinking but,

I think you need to make your decision because I'm already made mine very clear.

2011-04-29T01:30:00.002+08:00

I realized that I'm letting my world revolve around you and I really shouldn't. Because then when you're not around, there would be a void inside me and I don't like this feeling of emptiness, it robs me of my sanity and functionality. I cannot be weak. I will not be weak.

Okay, back to tidying my room. Yes, I'm attempting to tidy my room at like 1.30am -_-

2011-04-28T22:14:00.004+08:00

I think it's interesting when you spend so much time trying to figure out someone and in the end you end up trying to figure yourself out too.

All these.. statements that _ made about me, though kind of ridiculous-sounding at times but other times I wonder how true they may be. Like you know, if it's a subconscious thing that I'm doing which I'm not aware of but it's something that other people could see. I guess I'm just very annoyed that _ chose to point out these differences/characteristics in me that I never saw as a problem or anything to be concern about and make it sound like its a bad thing. So what if I'm "weird"? Everybody is weird anyway, I'm just less subtle. What is "weird"? That is such a vague descriptive word used to describe somebody who doesn't behave like everybody else and seriously, what's so bad about that?

I have not really been actively questioning myself for a while now, since I've gotten comfortable with who I am. Also lately, some truths had been revealed to my closer friends such that I no longer had to hide or avoid certain topics, and to see that people I care about, are not making any judgment really makes me feel good. Even my male colleague went to sign up for this particular wristband online and gave it to me, how damn freaking awesome is that?!

So much thoughts on this lately, even with _ who talked about it with me. I just feel that sometimes we cant be too careful, if we're always afraid of what the outcome may be then, we may never get the thing we really want. I told _, live in the present, but _ doesn't seems to get it. I think that sometimes we're too caught up in the past to fully appreciate life as it is, appreciate people who are actually by your side right, right now. The reason why people hold on to memories so tight is because they are the only things that wouldnt change when everything else does and people are afraid of changes so they never really want to accept that it happens. I hope _ understands these soon, before it's well... too late.

I'm at home typing this post now, on a thursday night. I haven't been home at this time on a thursday night because I'm usually out at play with _. I could have gone today, cj had been trying to get me to but I'm just not in the mood to. All the drama, the stuff that repeats itself week after week, is getting on my nerves and I just wanna slap someone and tell this someone to grow the fuck up. There's really no need to behave that way, like come onnnn mannnn, areee youuu freakinggg kiddinggg meee??

I am weary of always being the one who takes the initiative, maybe if you care enough, you would actually show more concern? Maybe the reason why people leave is because you dont give them a reason to stay or, when they want to leave and you dont fight hard enough to keep them.

Though my posts haven't really been the chirpy, cheerful kind lately, but I'm fine really, perhaps just a tad bit gloomy. My head just have been overworking a lot lately and it feels like there are so much thoughts in my head that I cant balance when I walk. I'm not depressed goddamnit, so STOP saying that I'm not alright but I AM FINE OKAY. It just pissed me off when people assume and insist that I'm not just because of my current entanglements.

2011-04-28T02:12:00.000+08:00

I'm starting to look for reasons, which is just fucking sad.

2011-04-26T23:57:00.002+08:00

My head feels cloudy, from the overload of thoughts.

My body feels weak, from the motherfucking cramps.

So i sat in the showers, arms around my knees and let the water beat against my head repeatedly. They cant get in because nothing can get inside my head now. The water creates a pocket of space in which only my thoughts and I exist. It is kind of like being trapped in your own head, a perfect way of escape, unless its your own thoughts that you're escaping from, which hasnt happen to me. Yet. The uneven rhythm slowly takes on a beat. Thud, thud, thudthud, thud. Time stops being a constant. Thud, thudthud, thud. My fingers turn wrinkly and they feel rough against my skin. My ass feels like... well, I'm not gonna go into that actually.

You twirl me around your fingers like play dough and why the fuck did I allow that to happen?

2011-04-26T23:06:00.003+08:00

Why do you give me the feeling that the only future you see ahead of us is purely, being friends?

I wish you would tell me because it's not nice to lead me on.

I get it, I'm not your ideal partner and I only make you feel safe & comfortable, which doesnt seems to be enough reason to keep me eh?

Voices in my head, inner dialogues.

2011-04-26T03:19:00.003+08:00

Like puppets, I move to your beat, your rhythm, your voice. The strings that extend outwards from my fingertips entwine with yours. Caught in the trap & the lines become a web. Nowhere to run.

2011-04-23T00:17:00.004+08:00

So tired, need to get my review done but my mind has fallen asleep.

Today at work, time was crawling and it was still.

Perhaps I wanted and needed distractions in the form of you but you're in a land far far away.

White Party tomorrow and though I've been joking about how awesome it would be but,

my fingers would feel lonely.

"We're uncategorized."

2011-04-22T11:11:00.004+08:00

When you said please in that voice and looked at me with those eyes, and make my spine feels all tingly, I cant fucking say no. So I just.. dont say anything.

I think when it comes to certain things, I'm too soft, too easy. Friends are telling me that it's not good to always be the nice one and well, I dont know if I can be mean when it comes to people I care about.

I dont know how you always manage to evade my questions, and I dont know how I let you get away with it. Even when it's important questions like, "Are you interested in us being just friends or can we be something special together?" I dont know what it means when you cant, or you just refuse to give me an answer.

Perhaps I really shouldnt think so much 'cause sometimes I feel that I think too much.

I'm not emo lah, just contemplating life.

2011-04-19T04:49:00.001+08:00

Of course I'm affected by what you told me. How could I not? It really sucks to be the second choice, if I'm even a choice hmmm.

Sometimes we get answers, sometimes we come to realizations.

2011-04-17T15:02:00.001+08:00

I keep reminding myself, "NO EXPECTATIONS" and then I'm reminded of that every time I see that inked on your arm.

2011-04-17T13:27:00.004+08:00

ITS FUCKING CREEPY WHEN YOU WAKE UP TO A TEXT MSG FROM A FRIEND SAYING, "I FEEL LIKE I NEED TO TALK TO YOU" AND THEN YOU GO ON FACEBOOK, AND ANOTHER OF YOUR FRIEND FB CHAT YOU SAYING, "I NEED TO TELL YOU SOMETHING."

Like oh my fucking gawd, I swear my heart jumped to my throat as a hundred of wild images and thoughts swirled through my mind like a hurricane.

Well, still have no idea what my first friend wants to talk to me about but the second one wasnt really much so it was fine. Though right now my heart is still beating rather fast, I'm just gonna blog to calm down a bit.

I guess the reason why my anxiety level just shot through the roof is because I'm afraid of losing something which could potentially cripple my heart. The thing is, I'm not even sure if I have it in the first place, so technically you cant lose something you dont have. The most fucked up thing is, I'm already preparing myself for the worst because that is how little faith I have in this. I want to be wrong, that what I'm thinking are just projections of my insecurities and that it has nothing to do with the fact that I'm actually having more conversations with _'s friends than _; or that _ always seems to be lost in own head, thinking about a million of things that made a silent buzz around us; or that _ is just plain bored with me because Im not interesting enough.

SEE? I DONT FUCKING KNOW?? Yes I know I should totally ask _ but school's starting and like, there just isnt any opportunities to talk about stuff like this...

Oh well, we shall see how it goes. I guess right now I just have to keep reminding myself to be contented with those happy feelings I get whenever I'm with _.

2011-04-16T11:56:00.001+08:00

Sinking into the deep & still feeling unsure. Physically there but mentally not. Only time can tell I guess.

2011-04-14T04:55:00.003+08:00

I need to blog about stuff so that I can organize my thoughts better.

I dont know where we stand. I dont know where I stand. I feel like you're still testing the waters while I've already made a reckless dive into the deep. Today you saw how weak I am, like physically because I cant win you when we wrestle and I've an extremely bad sense of balance. Sometimes I wonder if I'm okay with people knowing these, the flawed parts. I dont even know?! You said, "we are very different" and I was shouting loudly inside my head, "IS IT A GOOD OR A BAD THING??" Labels, labels, labels, how I hate them. Why do we have to put a name to everything and cant we just forget about these words and rely on the feeling? How do we know when it is enough? Because I'm really trying very hard. I just dont know if its enough. I dont even know why I'm feeling like this, maybe because I've having expectations despite me telling myself that I really mustnt?? I want to ask you, because I cant read people well and I need some answers but it doesnt feel right to ask such questions. I dont know, it feels great and then it feels weird and then it feels great again and it becomes a cycle. It's like you're waiting for me to make a move and then I dont know which move I should make.

Okay fuck it. I'm going to sleep.

2011-04-11T09:53:00.003+08:00

OKAY, MUSHY STUFF AHEAD, PLS SKIP IF UNCOMFORTABLE.

I've never had such intense feelings before, when we sat so close and I looked into your eyes and suddenly I cant seems to catch my breath and I felt like my heart was just gonna stop any moment.

Let's hope that this lasts.

2011-04-09T04:09:00.004+08:00

I'm feeling rather moody and I've no idea why exactly, because there's too many possibilities and explanations. I think sometimes I feel too much and then too little and it's just annoying because it makes you look like some psychopath.

Have you ever felt that because you're thinking so much that it gets so noisy inside your head that it feels like its exploding, wanting to spill all those damn thoughts out, its like a volcano eruption, waiting to overwhelm everything in its path with lava and ashes, that overpowering wave of unstoppable force and the thing is, this may seems like eternity but it actually only lasted for a short moment. It's then gone. But you still feel its ghosts brushing past you as unseen forces push against you. Go away, go away they say. You stop and listen, but you hear nothing except the noises in your head.

Okay, I'm feeling better now after writing that paragraph. That was automatic writing, you know, kind of just let the words in your head flow out through your fingertips. It doesnt have to make sense but its extremely liberating.

2011-04-07T02:20:00.002+08:00

It's hard caring for someone who clubs often while I dont. But I'll try I guess. Never thought I would actually feel so helpless.

2011-04-02T11:17:00.001+08:00

The question is how do you make someone who doesnt seems to have anything to be happy about, happy? Oh gosh, this is too hard -_-

2011-04-02T00:29:00.001+08:00

I'm sorry I cant be there now.

2011-04-01T17:15:00.002+08:00

Yesterday was a disaster and an embarrassment. _ makes me nervous. I cant function properly when I'm around _ and more often than not I'm reduced to this idiot who doesnt know how to make conversation or my tongue get caught in my mouth and I started blabbering some nonsense. I dont know if it might be the location of our encounters, you know certain questions just sound so lame in different environments?

Right now I'm caught in a place where I dont know what I should do, I'm stuck.

"There's only so much I can take

And I just got to let it go

And who knows I might feel better

If I dont try and I dont hope."

-The Corrs

I'm not even wanting that much, just some... responsiveness. I'm trying, but it's just not hard enough and it's just not in the right way and it's not what you want and so.. I think we're just not right.

2011-03-29T02:14:00.003+08:00

Cj told me today that I'm the kind who falls in love at first sight, that is if you believe it can happen.

Me thinks its just a feeling. That feeling that makes you think "This is right."

I have said that hope is a terrible thing but I realized that's because you have expectations. Expectations are bad. You cant expect or predict what will happen because life will just surprise you anyway. Sometimes I wish certain things could be easier, imagine life like The Sims, one click and things get done.

I dont get over things easily though, no matter how hopeless it may be.

We shall see.

2011-03-27T00:32:00.004+08:00

The reason why I'm sleeping early tonight is because I cant stop thinking about _ and I cant concentrate on anything else.

It is not going anywhere because in a tennis match there has to be volley for the game to continue. Nobody gets anywhere when one side just decide to let the ball fly past without doing anything.

If you can look inside my brain now, you would think I'm crazy because I'm sure that if I do look, I will think that way too.

How do you break down brick walls and not startle whats behind it?

Oh.

Hypnotise me into forgetting?

2011-03-26T15:08:00.001+08:00

Hope is a terrible thing.

2011-03-26T11:20:00.004+08:00

When you feel right about something, how do you keep it close so you dont lose it?

Anxiety.

Tinge of fear.

Lots of uncertainty.

Oh, we're tumbling down

We're spiralling

Oh, tied up to the ground

We're spiralling

2011-03-25T10:49:00.005+08:00

I hardly ever have major self-esteem issues anymore, I guess I'm at a point in my life when I'm comfortable with who I am, how I look etc. But that doesnt stop me from being self-conscious because I do feel that the first impression that I give people is that I'm a very boring person. I suck at striking up conversations and when I cant, I just kinda panic & sorta shut down. Then I worry about that and I shut down even more. That's my problem and it's so hard to get around that. Charm is an elusive thing. I'm such an awkward being.

2011-03-18T03:08:00.003+08:00

"You are art managers. Before you can manage others, you've got to learn how to manage yourself."

"You are in an art school. Use your creativity!"

Sometimes when lecturer starts saying the obvious, it makes me feel like punching something. But because its the truth, I get even more annoyed. RAWR.

I told myself I must start work at 12midnight and I've not even touch them yet. Geez.

A good thing that was said, "It's really up to you to have fun and enjoy this specialism project."

2011-03-13T03:07:00.002+08:00

I get uncomfortable when people ask me about my ink. Why "disappear"? I felt that I could never really explain well because I'm trying to explain a feeling, and feelings cant often be put into words and those words could never be enough to describe that feeling.

I fidget. I open my mouth. I stutter. I go "UMMMMM.."

It's like I try to start from the beginning, which I termed "the triggers", but along the way things changed and there's a whole lot more factors that affect the outcome and then things are different again and it becomes a cycle of some sort.

I think I've found the most simplified yet appropriate answer though.

I'm an escapist and that's that.

2011-03-10T02:59:00.004+08:00

So my assessment was on monday and right now I'm lazying around home like a slug and basically making a point to NOT do anything productive. You cant possibly imagine the amount of time I spent on tumblr these days or just googling weird stuff (like zombie t-shirts). Still, I'm enjoying myself immensely, while living in denial that next week, term 4 specialism starts. Which leaves me in a no-where-land state. On one hand, I'm extremely upset that I'll be separated from my darling H class because it took us this long to finally be comfortable with each other and then we have to spilt into our different specialisms?!? Life, sometimes you're soooo ridiculous. Not to forget, my wonderful band of friends who struggled through those impossible deadlines with me. I'm gonna miss ya'll :(

Well okay, on the other hand I'm really excited about going to Arts Management because hopefully I can get in touch with the arts scene better. Then there's new course mates, whom I sincerely hoped ain't too bitchy and are fun people because seriously guys, after that H-Drama, I've had ENOUGH of drama, all that pointless hatred and false fronts. Anyway, not that she will see this, but here's a big FUCK YOU to you H, for making my life miserable and cheers to Karma, for making sure that sincerity always wins and truths prevail.

The evidence of how big an impact assessment had on my life can be seen from the state my bedroom is currently in. Papers, plastic, glue, tape, paint and numerous art supplies and sketchbooks, presentation boards, reference books.. EVERYWHERE. It's quite scary actually. For the time being, I've chosen to ignore their existence. But not for long of course. I want to pack my books, sketchbooks and materials properly, because next term will be a new start.

Though this 3 terms of foundation had been hell, I've had such a great time. Living art, breathing art. People think art is easy, it's not. Nothing is ever easy. I will miss the entire process of developing my idea into a full blown artwork because I'm not gonna be a designer nor a fine artist. I'm gonna be an arts manager. Instead of churning out 50 sketches of a proposed design, I will be typing out proposals for events and the likes. No more of lecturers looking at my paintings and giving me a grade based on my techniques. Within me though, I'm still an artist. Though I've chosen to proceed down a career path that will take me away from paint & brushes, I swear that I'm never ever gonna stop creating. I understand the frustration, the misery, the grueling hours spent on perfecting a piece of artwork and I believe this gives me the connection to and the understanding of the artists I will someday manage. Dreams can be a reality. The reality of dreams.

I have not set proper resolutions for this year, though essentially I'm always working towards the same goal. To be a better person and to live life to the fullest. To exercise more falls somewhere there as well. This year, I'm hoping to learn more new things, such as roller derby, ukelele, an European language and..stuff I cant remember now. I want to get more tattoos, and possibly piercings as well. Sometimes I dont understand when people ask me why, why do I want to get a tattoo, why do I do this. WHY NOT? Cant people just accept the fact that sometimes we just FEEL like doing it? I'm not freaking 7years old, I'm fully aware of the consequences that I will have to live with. So if you dont understand it, dont insult it please. Just be happy that I'm happy.

"Maybe you're reason why all the doors are closed, so you could open one that leads you to the perfect road." -Katy Perry

2011-02-23T16:32:00.003+08:00

I swear I could die any moment now, or get a brain tumor, or perhaps just a very very bad headache. ALL BECAUSE THAT USELESS FUCK AT HOME DECIDED TO PAINT THE FUCKING GATE WITH FUCKING CHEAPO PAINT.

I'm this close | | to losing it. That useless fucker can get the fuck of the house & do whatever useless thing he can get himself into, but not me. 'Cause I've got homework & I need to stay at home AND INHALE THOSE FUCKING FUMES. INHALING THOSE PAINT FUMES CAN KILL OKAY, I FUCKING GOOGLE IT.

Pissed like hell & I cant do shitz about it other than BLOG.

2011-02-18T16:40:00.002+08:00

Last night I tried brainstorming when I was in the in-between state of being awake & asleep. Interestingly, I've actually gotten some ideas out of it. D:

2011-02-09T22:58:00.003+08:00

So today after class, I went to the toilet and my friends were waiting for me outside. As I walked out of the toilet, I came face to face with the person I've been crushing on since the beginning of the school year last year. Then I saw the faces of my friends who were all smirking and grinning away at me. OBVIOUS MUCH.

2011-02-07T00:47:00.002+08:00

Be still, my heart.

Dont understand why you took the plunge but just let me concentrate on my drawing k.

2011-02-06T00:51:00.002+08:00

LETTERS TO DIFFERENT PEOPLE:

Someone: I think you're irresponsible. It wasnt just this morning, but also numerous times before. I think you're selfish, of course I'm not being objective here because you had refused to help me & I'm still feeling damn pissed about it. This is what comes out of having expectations of people. They let you down.

Father: Just because you lost your job doesnt give you the right to be a whiny bitch at home. Get your useless bum out of the damn house because it's about time you be a man. Wonder why I seldom answer your question? I've chosen to pretend you dont exist because you're just so fucking irritating. I'm never really gonna understand this whole thing about you cant handle stress & all that bullshit. I mean like, since when is life ever easy? Get a grip.

Mother: Stop selling me like a product to our relatives, semi-relatives and all the other miscellaneous people you bump into. I'm proud of myself for my A'levels results even though it wasnt that good. Speaking of this, why are we still talking about A'levels like it was yesterday?? MOVE ON OKAY. So what if I got rejected by the local uni's I applied to and ended up at art school L? STOP MAKING IT SOUND LIKE I'M SOME POOR SOD WHO IS FORCED TO DO SOMETHING I DONT LIKE BECAUSE I'M LOVING IT OKAY. So what if the number of hours I get to sleep each school day is 3hours on the average? I'M TIRED BUT I GET SUCH A GREAT SENSE OF CONTENTMENT WHEN I FINISHED MY ART OKAY. I'm sick of you telling everyone my life story because it's so none of their goddamn business. The definition of success is not by comparison, get it through all your heads you superficial fuckers.

It's not that I dont love my parents, but at times like this, it's hard to convince myself to.

Hard truths.

I get so angry easily when I'm having PMS. :/

2011-02-05T02:34:00.003+08:00

I HATE YOU HOMEWORK.

I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE YOU COLLAGES.

I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE YOU PRESENTATION.

I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE YOU 3D TEXTURES.

FUCK YOUUU HOMEWORK.

THE INSANE AMOUNT OF WORK TO BE COMPLETED AND THE DEADLINES DRAWING NEARER AND NEARER IS ENOUGH TO DRIVE ME CRAZY.

Extremely annoyed.

2011-01-25T03:23:00.005+08:00

I dont quite understand why people need to form an opinion, make a statement about how I FEEL towards certain things. I know it's is out of good will and I really, really appreciate the concern but still. You guys are messing up my head, I KNOW how I feel right now and I cant explain it clearly to you no matter how much you question me.

I'm not as bold I was back in jj days I think. Approaching strangers should not have been a problem. Okay, maybe approaching strangers with an ulterior motive in mind is a problem. Intimidating.

Anyway, had a really good chat/discussion with David in drawing class today. Yes people, I'm actually making friends with a guy and having real conversation! We were exploring the possibility that we might actually be long-lost siblings with me having a better taste in hairstyles. We told an international student in our class that we're cousins and she believed. LOL!!!! :D

2011-01-18T01:11:00.003+08:00

Usually in school, teachers dont really have much expectations of you. If you get good grades then, great. If you really suck then well, it's entirely up to you if you want to improve or not.

In an ART school, once the teachers see that you can do well, they EXPECT you to continue to do well. But being art, it's not like I can do well just by memorizing stuff. Producing great pieces of artwork involves many factors such as; inspirations, idea development, techniques and most importantly, whether you bloody feel like working on it or not. The problem is the more I remind myself that I can do better, I dont do so well actually. It's kinda like the more stressed up I get, the less flexible my mind becomes. But you see, it's a mind game actually. The trick lies in believing in yourself (I suppose).

"You can do better than this," has just became the scariest words in my dictionary.

2011-01-12T13:50:00.004+08:00

School has started and here I am procrastinating. Sometimes I really hate myself for the lack of self discipline. I would want to say that I'm really enjoying school, afterall it's art and I love it.

However, there's a stark difference between the beginning of last sem and this sem. It's funny how people/friends/classmate can affect you that much with their nonsensical behaviour. It is really the little things that irks me, how I cant fall back on my routine and having to devise new ones.

Sigh. I dont even know what to say on this matter anymore. It's so tiring.

I would like to settle things once and for all and put it behind me but they just cant let it go?!? Doing silly little little things to make life difficult for me is really, annoying.

2011-01-08T23:58:00.002+08:00

To think that I had actually believed that things were going to change for the better but guess I was sadly misguided. Or how something seemingly insignificant in the grand scheme of life can drop me into the abyss in a matter of seconds.

I told myself it's pointless to be upset over things like this so I tried to hold them little bastards in until I got a motherfucking headache. Despite my best efforts, I let them escaped anyway. The first of 2011.

Dont feel like elaborating anymore, and I'm ok.

2011-01-08T22:40:00.001+08:00

I cant take anymore of these shit anymore. My head hurts.

2011-01-04T11:25:00.002+08:00

The trick lies in looking like a girl who is dressing up like a boy rather than dressed like a boy.

Dont think I'm making sense.

Whenever I browse through fashion blogs I feel so oddly superficial. Because fashion does make people superficial. Okay, I understand that this is a sweeping statement but let me share my observations.

I've often observe the behavior of the fashion students in my school and though they exude an air of confidence but how often is this marred by that superior air, the upward tilt of the head and the downward roll of their eyeballs. Well so they may be one of those few who are labeled as people with "good fashion sense" but it is necessary to rub it in other people's faces? I'm not saying that all of them are like that but more the prominent ones appear to be like that. I guess having good dress sense is like a trophy these days, one that requires flaunting coupled with a swagger in 'ya walk. The world wide web is a guilty perpetuator of such behavior. What's the point of dressing so awesomely when there's no one to see? OH! I'll put it on the net and everyone will be able to witness how incredibly awesome I am!

...Which brings me to the topic of narcissism. Social networking sites, blogs, these are places where we whore ourselves constantly. There's nothing wrong, even I do it. The only problem is that once this becomes the "in" thing, it borders on excessive, which then gets tiring and leads to a whole bunch of other issues.

So sometimes I think its ridiculous to follow fashion blogs but I do it anyway. I'm ridiculous.

Pardon me for my incessant rambles , do take everything with a pinch of salt 'cause I'm not serious obviously.

2011-01-03T03:31:00.001+08:00

WANTED HAIRCUT, WITH THE SHAVED SIDES OF COURSE.

2011-01-02T03:17:00.002+08:00

Today I calculated that I would not be able to save enough money for a proper tattoo before/on my 21st birthday and then an idea hit me like a bullet train oh oh~ (starts singing Florence + The Machine songs).

Anyway, I have decided to first get a word, yes a word, tattooed on my inner wrist of my right hand. It's gonna be small enough to be covered up by my watch when I wear my watch just so that my parents wouldnt notice (I hope). Just an idea I'm bouncing around in my head, let's see how things go hmmm hmmm

2011-01-01T03:37:00.003+08:00

You say goodbye, & I say hello.. to 2011!

2010 was a year that proper resolutions were set and actually achieved. It was also a year of having many more people entering my life. In fact, compared to 2009, 2010 was waaayyyy better.

"Things go wrong so we can learn to appreciate the things that go right. Good things fall apart so better things can fall together."

This is something which I had pinned to my board for ages. From time to time, this gives me hope when things aint going well and it also serves as a reminder for me to appreciate everything that is sunshine and rainbows.

I can barely remember the first half of the year though, I just know that it wasnt easy. What's with the stress that came about from worrying about my next phase in life, academic wise. Thankfully, I got into L A S A L L E, which was where I've always wanted to go, but never had a good enough reason to try. Sometimes I wonder if I should have gone into Performing Arts instead of Visual Arts but I love both & I wish I could have the best of both worlds.

The second half of the year was about schoolwork and sleepless night. It's Art and I love Art so most of the time despite the late nights, lack of sleep and mental block, I really enjoyed it. This year, now, I'm not too looking forward to going back to school because of some friends issues.. Not gonna elaborate.

2010 was also the year which I revert back to SHORT HAIR. Loving the ease of shampooing my hair and I feel better with short hair anyway. People amuse me to no end when they mistaken me for a boy lol.

2010

- sign language

- work + colleagues

- art

- theatre plays & concerts

- friends

- HAIRCUT

I kinda miss 2010 because 2011 feels so intimidating. Nevertheless, let's hope I'll have a good year ahead.