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Tuesday, July 03, 2012
what have i become.girl's flying off to aussie in a week's time, our friendship is still in pieces, i still like her alot and i miss her company dearly. the past half a year had been, well, i've been contented with spending time with her & dealing with schoolwork (which has always been a bitch). till i took a leap of faith & confessed and put everything on the line, now i'm left crying over spilled milk. days have been mundane, going to places and events alone when i feel like i should be doing these things with her. my friends have been nice and buddy enough to accompany me on my ventures but it didnt feel the same. i love my friends, they really care about me and i'm damn thankful but, at the end of the day this void still cannot be filled up. a music & visuals event this wed, asked her to go with me, have yet to receive any reply. i guess, i would just go alone because going with anyone else just feels inappropriate and accommodating which isnt what i want. thinking about all these just makes me wanna sink into a hole until these feelings pass but i guess that's not possible. staying at home isnt helping, i need to be out wandering around and so that's what i've been doing. what have i become. Thursday, June 21, 2012
I wonder if she misses "us" as much as I do. these pockets of space in my life are too much & too hard to fill up with other things. well.
Saturday, June 16, 2012
feeling so terrible that i wish i could combust. i'm not suicidal lah guys, dont worry about me killing myself cause that WOULDNT happen. i just really wish there's distractions + good friends around but some nights are really hard to get through.
Friday, June 15, 2012
been feeling all kinds of wrong for the past few days, i'm blaming it on the hormonal changes in my body (ie. period) but if only that's the only thing bothering me. i need to either be around close friends or be by myself. working & facing a bunch of idiots (ie. customers) is really the worst.
Thursday, June 14, 2012
the reason for liking somebody is because you enjoy being with the person and being in a relationship gives you more excuses/opportunities to be with her, to co-exist like two puzzle pieces side by side, to see her happy makes you happy, and time after time i'm denied these and then afterwards everything is ruined and we aren't even friends anymore what the fuck.[in a damn lousy mood] so she told me a few days ago that, she always just sees me as a friend.
OKAY, REJECTION.
... AFTER THESE FEW MONTHS OF MISERY, I REALLY HAVE NOTHING TO SAY.
So anyway, I wasnt that upset when she said that because I guess I knew it all along, that it was a high possibility and for the past weeks or so, i've used up all my sad cells that i'm now an empty vessel.
..It doesnt mean that I've not been moping (still), and smoking shisha for three consecutive days until i'm quite sure my lungs are as black as soot now. cheebye.
typing about it just makes me sians and though i would like to purge these sadness, i dont quite know how to and i just feel like meh everyday. meh.
plans have all been abandoned because the things i do for her makes her feel weirded out (she says). can i also mention how embarrassed i felt after she said that? like i just feel lame and stupid. Trust me, that's the worst fucking feeling you could have after doing a ton of things for the girl/boy you like. all these things that are meant to be given to her are lying in my room like rotten corpses now and i dont know how to make them lose their intangible association with her.
also, because i want to emphasize how i'm feeling right now, so i'm repeating this: I FEEL LAME AND STUPID. FUCKING LAME AND FUCKING STUPID. seriouslyfuckeverythingicannotstandthis. Friday, June 08, 2012
googling visuals on gothic lolitas. this is the kind of stupid things i would do for the girl i like. not that i intend to dress myself up as one, lol, dont worry. i need research materials for a drawing that is meant to grace the cover of the book i'm binding for her. also, Audrey Kawasaki's art is the perfect style for what i have in mind. ten points to me. a bit O_O at what i found on this lolita culture but it's rather interesting. if one day she really dresses up like that, then is just....gototheroomnowteeheeheeeheee.lol joke lah. |
the demented
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cherrie
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