Regardless, just a short post on my birthday. It was time well spent, I went to dodgy & dark LAN shops to play l4d2 for three consecutive days. It was wonderful. I've also spent quality time with bestf just eating tau hway & hanging out, with yn & eil massive zombies killing spree, with china girl talking talking talking, with syl lazing the rainy afternoon away with lesbian shows & vids and then linda & bestia for more zombies killing (especially the fucked up Tank which can regenerate, teleport, turn invisible & combust).

Of course, the best part of the day is when kokster viber called me with a "hap burp" which is her way of saying "happy birthday", which I misheard as "hamster". And then she proceeded to speak of random things while brushing her teeth at the same time (i heard strange background noises & questioned her), & then some violent coughing because she choked on her retainers (somehow). That on some level is super endearing to me but at the same time i felt obligated to reprimand her because it's just SO kok. After that was more random conversation & her ending off with a, "okay i'll whatsapp you tmr, i'm going to sleep, bye, love you."

And I thought that, if I have to choose someone to spend the next few years of my life (or maybe even the rest of it, i dont know) with, she will be the girl. BUT FIRST, I have to make my feelings for her known. eh eh ehhh ._.

Well, I've started a job at this huge company doing retail & of course I'm not gonna mention the name here because well, I dont want to get into trouble that's for sure.

This company that I've started working with, places a HUGE emphasis on looks, most of the girls I see working with me are good-looking, if not well groomed. I've caught a glimpse of those whose positions require "good looks" as part of the job requirements and they are jaw-dropping pretty I tell you, no joke k. As for the dudes, well I'm not interested so I didnt really look at them except having the impression that they're mostly gorilla-sized.

What spurred this rant is this one day, when we were all queuing up to receive the stock from TNT, and I was alone behind this group of dudes who were talking loudly about the job. Obviously I overheard so I made a comment. They kinda just, spared me a glance and went back to their loud talking. This is fine with me, since I did feel that my comment was kinda random and slightly awkward, BUT, one of the dudes gave me a judging look.

That fired me up but I managed to keep my cool thinking, poor pre-pubercent boys who dont know how to talk to girls. Then the next day, I saw this same dude chatting to two random girls and being able to hold a conversation reasonably well and I was like, HOLY THIS BASTARD.

I think working in this company really made me feel more conscious and insecure about my looks. Of course I'm not gonna hole myself up & cry, I'm feeling more of anger than anything. The entire place is like a social playground, the girls giggled at the boys not-funny-at-all jokes and the boys only talk to the pretty girls. It makes me so mad that I just wanna shout, GROW. THE. FUCK. UP. I know it's normal, but it just saddens me how superficial this society can be and how this mentality is being perpetuated in this environment.

I've gotten to know some people, mostly girls because you know I cant be bothered to talk to most guys when they look like they think with their dicks. And yes, some of these girls, they aint your typical pretty good looking girls but the way they smile, the way they speak and the way they work, has a certain allure. What I meant to say here, good looks aint everything if your character sucks & you show how shallow you're when you speak. I think it's more important to be well-groomed, like you know how to make yourself look presentable more and know how to dress differently for different occasions.

At this point, I really wanna rant about the guys, but then again, I cant be bothered to.

I think my frustration stems from having to interact with people who aint exactly at the same level of maturity as I am. I'm not saying that I'm super mature, I'm just saying that I view certain things differently now.

Anyway, that's beside the point. I've been thinking about some stuff which I just wanna regurgitate here. Incoherently because I'm lazy to organize them.

I've been going to the lesb club quite frequently in these couple of months and yeah well, it's nice to drink & then dance wildly with a buzz but more importantly, that feeling of being surrounded by girls who ohmygawdd, like girls too. I know it sounds silly, but whenever I see my lesb friends being so cute and sweet with their girls, or just random lesb couples outside holding hands, I get this warm feeling and a sense of amazement, that wow, these people are happy and does it really matter that the person who made them feel that way is of the same gender as them? Look at us, look at them, look at those smiles and say, big fuck you to society and societal norms those bullshit.

I think one of the several cute moments I had with the girl was when we were out shopping at Far East Plaza and this really pretty angmoh girl walked past us and immediately our eyes followed her like pervs. Then almost as if telepathy exists, we looked at each other at the same time with a cheeky smile. She was like, "we're so lesbian". Checking out cute girls together with other lesbs has got to be one of my favourite things to do lol.

I only came out around this time last year. I have a friend who once told me that she felt bad because she felt that she had influenced me into going down this road & that I shouldnt because my life will be fucked up. Sooo, here's what I always wanted to tell her but I didnt want to, because I dont want conflicts & those nonsense. She should not have assumed that I only have feelings for girls starting last year. Unknown to her (& friend ah, you never bother asking me too), I've always been so since like, primary school lol. But it had always been one of those things that I choose to ignore, because ignoring things can make them go away. But it didnt, so here I am now, at a point in my life where I'm finally digging these skeletons out from the closet, and accepting things the way they are.

Let us also analyzed what my friend had said about "my life will be fucked up". Yes in a way she's right, I've been miserable like fuck (getting better I would say though) for about a month now. It's been a month since the girl I've such strong feelings for, the girl whose heart I've been trying to win over since march, the girl whom had truly made me understood the feeling of being infinite as well as eternal gloom; got herself a girlfriend and told me that she didnt have feelings for me.

That moment was, the saddest I ever felt. Even the word "sad" seems too mild to describe how I had felt/am actually still feeling. Okay, maybe "eternal gloom" would suffice. Regardless, I would just like to say that despite all the heartaches & pain & sadness, she really, really, made me feel the happiest I could be. I miss her badly, but I know I need to get over her because she's obviously doing well without me by her side.

Sometime we lose, sometime we gain. If we try to convert "life" into a line graph, there would be all these branches and alternate routes for all the points in our life where decisions are made, consciously, subconsciously. I've met good people, form friendships, things that would not have been possible if say, a different route was taken. I think at the end of the day, we'll have to remember that everything happens for a reason and just because life is shit now, doesnt mean it will be so forever.

I think I'm at this point in my life where I find it unnecessary to hide this part about myself because I've never been this comfortable about myself. My friends who love me, accept this and I'm forever thankful for that.

Okay end of sharing, time to go back to those damn research & readings zzz.

MY FRIEND'S CAT IS SO CUTE OMG IT'S A PERSIAN.

This is how I'm going to school today.

Now, somebody please grant me the strength to deal with everything with as much maturity as I should have. Once again, I continue to tell myself that everything happens for a reason, good things fall apart so better things can fall together & that we do not forget, we just learn to deal with the loss.

And oh, friends, please dont ask me what happened, I do not want to talk about this anymore.