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Thursday, June 21, 2012
I wonder if she misses "us" as much as I do. these pockets of space in my life are too much & too hard to fill up with other things. well.
Saturday, June 16, 2012
feeling so terrible that i wish i could combust. i'm not suicidal lah guys, dont worry about me killing myself cause that WOULDNT happen. i just really wish there's distractions + good friends around but some nights are really hard to get through.
Friday, June 15, 2012
been feeling all kinds of wrong for the past few days, i'm blaming it on the hormonal changes in my body (ie. period) but if only that's the only thing bothering me. i need to either be around close friends or be by myself. working & facing a bunch of idiots (ie. customers) is really the worst.
Thursday, June 14, 2012
the reason for liking somebody is because you enjoy being with the person and being in a relationship gives you more excuses/opportunities to be with her, to co-exist like two puzzle pieces side by side, to see her happy makes you happy, and time after time i'm denied these and then afterwards everything is ruined and we aren't even friends anymore what the fuck.[in a damn lousy mood] so she told me a few days ago that, she always just sees me as a friend.
OKAY, REJECTION.
... AFTER THESE FEW MONTHS OF MISERY, I REALLY HAVE NOTHING TO SAY.
So anyway, I wasnt that upset when she said that because I guess I knew it all along, that it was a high possibility and for the past weeks or so, i've used up all my sad cells that i'm now an empty vessel.
..It doesnt mean that I've not been moping (still), and smoking shisha for three consecutive days until i'm quite sure my lungs are as black as soot now. cheebye.
typing about it just makes me sians and though i would like to purge these sadness, i dont quite know how to and i just feel like meh everyday. meh.
plans have all been abandoned because the things i do for her makes her feel weirded out (she says). can i also mention how embarrassed i felt after she said that? like i just feel lame and stupid. Trust me, that's the worst fucking feeling you could have after doing a ton of things for the girl/boy you like. all these things that are meant to be given to her are lying in my room like rotten corpses now and i dont know how to make them lose their intangible association with her.
also, because i want to emphasize how i'm feeling right now, so i'm repeating this: I FEEL LAME AND STUPID. FUCKING LAME AND FUCKING STUPID. seriouslyfuckeverythingicannotstandthis. Friday, June 08, 2012
googling visuals on gothic lolitas. this is the kind of stupid things i would do for the girl i like. not that i intend to dress myself up as one, lol, dont worry. i need research materials for a drawing that is meant to grace the cover of the book i'm binding for her. also, Audrey Kawasaki's art is the perfect style for what i have in mind. ten points to me. a bit O_O at what i found on this lolita culture but it's rather interesting. if one day she really dresses up like that, then is just....gototheroomnowteeheeheeeheee.lol joke lah. Thursday, June 07, 2012
i was thinking that if i ever needed a timeline of my failures at love to refer to, this blogspot would be it. all those nights of being at my lowest and the only comfort would be spilling my lovesick guts out here. i'm even embarrassed to read those posts now. thank goodness this blogspot is as private as private gets ie. none of the friends i made after sec sch knows about this. so i guess it's okay if i be embarrassing here.update on my love life (or the lack thereof): Girl had been ignoring my comments, remarks & only spoke to me briefly over very random things ytd. upon me mentioning that i would like to cook for her, and hence require her to meet me, she shut up like a clam again. umm okay. we used to kind of spam each other fb last time now it's like, i dont even exist anymore in her world, i would have thought at least i'm still a close friend after The Confession but nooooo, it's like i disappeared. umm okay. i dont know how to feel at this point, i think being sad for so long has kinda numbed everything by now. it's really just, "ummm okay, i dont know what's going on, i dont know why you're like this, i want to talk to you about it but i feel like you're not up for such a talk right now so i guess i'll wait? or maybe i wouldnt wait. i dont know what to do." i suppose everything is just too overwhelming for her but it's not right to... deny my existence k. fucked up lah. Tuesday, June 05, 2012
it is damn fucking frustrating & annoying to be completely ignored by the girl you like when you're not even professing your love etc. CASUAL REMARKS & COMMENTS HELLO WTF, WHY AM I BEING IGNORED I DONT UNDERSTAND AND IT MAKES ME VERY ANGRY BECAUSE I DONT THINK I DID ANYTHING WRONG APART FROM TELLING HER I LIKE HER (WHICH I DID NOT REGRET BTW, IT IS SMTH THAT MUST BE TOLD). I JUST HATE HOW SHE'S DEALING WITH IT, LIKE DOES SHE REALLY NEED TO IGNORE EVEYTHING I SAY WTF EVEN.
Monday, June 04, 2012
life recently had been mostly about sulking, meeting up really close friends only, and playing diablo3. well mostly sulking because we've been all sorts of wrong. i feel all sorts of awkwardness that it isnt even funny nor cute anymore.
Saturday, June 02, 2012
so many pretty girls everywhere, but i only want a particular one. who is btw, ignoring my texts + fb posts and generally being very cold & distanced to me. oh well, what is life srsly.i like her even on days she put on too much blusher, i like her even when she's fresh out of bed & has her "private face" on, i like her even when she's annoyed that i nudged her & she wants to beat me. |
the demented
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