How I can be so irrational and thought only of myself, how I feel, how she is making me feel rather than being partial and looking at the big picture. I wallow in this pool of misery that I created (though not single-handedly), digging deeper and deeper as the water level starts to rise above my head. I know what the big picture is, I kind of know what I should be doing but things like this, you dont always do what you think.

Arghhh my head hurts & I cant think clearly.

I'm feeling extremely in need for cuddles right now & this is bad.

It's really interesting comparing then & now, also feeling very relived that my English standard has improved tremendously.

Despite it being 7, 8 years ago, somethings never change. Too tired to elaborate now but I would like to point out this thing which I quoted from Joan (coincidently it's her birthday today), she said "Don't care what others said. The most important thing is believe in who you believe you are." Like wow. If my memory isnt faulty, she probably told me that when we were 11 or 12 yrs old. Funny how certain things already made so much sense when you're young.

I shouldnt be feeling this but I am.

And what is this telling me?

That I'm caring TOO MUCH.

Hang me by my ankles & swing me to my senses.

This is what happens all the time.

Because of her, I've been experiencing all sorts of emotions and feelings, they smash into me at the most unexpected timings, their impact momentarily stun me into stillness. Tracing each decision paths back slowly & wondering how different things would have been, if I had not met N on tumblr, if I had not became good friends with N, if I had not accidentally blurt out that N was underage to C, if N had not wanted to go to PLAY on the night C was working, if I had not felt so damn guilty that I rushed down to meet N, if we had not been sitting by the roadside waiting & hence met her.. Life is strange.

I told her that our friendship is more important than anything else and even though we're in this gray area between friends & lovers, I told her that we should just appreciate each other's company and she agreed that we should just go with the flow. What's gonna happen, I dont even dare to guess. I think ultimately, the goal is to be happy, whether it's with each other or with someone else.

I think after that night, she seems to trust me more & now I'm happy again. How strange a person could have such a hold on me & that I would actually care that much about her. Slightly wiser than before, I'm no longer stumbling blindly with my hands tied to the sides.

This time I hope the feeling lasts.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/ilona-skorobulatova/4954961428/in/photostream/

This is me. I'm a cat (^._.^)

I dont really know either.

I feel weird when I dont text you but you make me so upset all the time.

What the hell.

Why do I always feel this way on thursday nights.

When you sang the song & played the uke & kinda dedicated it to me, I swear I gave the brightest smile I ever had in these past months. Then, my heart when thudthudTHUD. I really, really wish circumstances were different, in my mind I dont think it will work out but in my heart, I WISHED REALLY HARD.

I'm fucked because I'm not suppose to feel this way because damnit, we're friends first. I think we'll be good together but I don't even dare to think about it anymore because I don't want anything to ruin what we have now.

UGHHH! WHAT IS THIS NONSENSE THAT I'M FEELING???

Okay, okay, I shall tell myself that I will not think about this.