|
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Where did this wave of sadness come from? Wisps of it surrounds me & it's an uncomfortable feeling. Tell me now where was my fault, in loving you with my whole heart.Ughhh mornings. Labels: about x Friday, May 27, 2011
All those physical contact in the club didnt do me any good. It was suppose to make me feel like I'm part of something. Well yes, I do feel good with the crowd, but not within the crowd. I finally understood why I felt so alone despite all these bodies everywhere. When she came into my life, she got herself a spot in my heart and when she left, the void remains and there it stays and nothing else could fill it up but her. I know I should be moving on because everybody else seems to think that she isnt right for me, I think that she might not be right either, but I guess when it's your first you really want to make it work somehow. But what is truly yours will eventually be yours, and what is not, no matter how hard you try, will never be. I try to remember that. The key word here being "try".Labels: about x Thursday, May 26, 2011
So unhappy with myself right now.I NEED TO GET THINGS DONE. I NEED TO MAKE THINGS HAPPEN. WHY AM I FEELING THIS WAY. 3..2..1. Connection lost. Please try again later. Labels: angry Things are probably easier when one doesnt give a fuck for anything. Unfortunately I care too much.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Bloodshot eyes, tired face. Hint of a frown, expression otherwise blank and I can only make a guess at how much pain you're going through right now."Why are you staring at me?" "I'm not, my eyes are small so they're actually closed." That's me trying to read you, trying to figure out what's on your mind, trying to sense if you want me around, trying very very hard to make everything better. I would do anything I can to make you smile, but I need you to do the same for me too. Telling me via text that you want to see me & then appear unenthusiastic when we finally met up after so long is confusing for me. I know you've a lot on your plate right now but you've got to give me reasons to stay otherwise I dont think I'll be able to. :( Unsaid words which exist in a temporal space. Labels: about x Monday, May 23, 2011
Tonight at Fort Canning, there were angry flashes of lightning and soft droplets of rain. The clouds were looming over us, as if they're going to descend upon us any moment. The sky turned red and everybody was bath with red glow. It was bright but it was dark and it was beautiful. That feeling was... good. In that moment, I feel so strangely alive. It probably wouldnt matter if the world ends in the next few hours because I feel like I've done the best I could and loved everybody who matters as much as I could.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
I still feel that you like me for the attention I'm giving you, the attention that you need to make you feel wanted. I'm beginning to doubt myself, my reasons for liking you that much. I cant leave, I wouldnt, but you shouldnt keep me trapped like that. If there's nothing to make me happy, I feel that I should move on and you should let me. It's really unfair because you've no right to keep me by your side like a spare, while you appears to still care for someone else. I dont know, I really dont. It's too damn tiring on my part do you know. Labels: about x Tuesday, May 17, 2011
 http://www.flickr.com/photos/tonymadrid/4825352058/ Labels: photos Before I went to bed last night, I sent her a goodmorning text because I want it to be the first thing she sees in the morning. This morning as I'm on my way to work, I miss her, I think about what I would say when/if I meet her tomorrow but I think a hug would speak volumes. How can a person make you feel down like fuck at times and so happy like you're infinite other times??? We shall see. Late last night was spent with Nicole on the open space at Bras Basah & we talked alot so it was nice.
Monday, May 16, 2011
L are full of drama ohmygoodness.
I did not meet _ afterall. _ cancelled on me, though with good reason. _ then texted me at night because _ was bored, so I guess I'm really just entertainment. Labels: about x I wrote this when I was at work on Friday the 13th. Blogger was down.. There have never been anyone whose madness could complement mine as we laugh at ourselves, at each other, at the ridiculous nature of life, everything. Insecurities are overwhelming. Perhaps if you could explain to me the buzzing sound in your head, so loud, so loud yet I cant make sense of it. I need to know that you want me too. The spaces between my fingers are where yours fit perfectly. I still feel your skin, soft as velvet, thick as sin. You're not around me but you're everywhere. Judging eyes, curious faces. Why should we care. I dont want to have to share you with someone else, Im afraid that someone who isnt me occupies the space in your head, my heart hurts at the thought of you giving yours to someone else. Numbness. Because nobody can withstand this onslaught of feelings. I feel everything and then I stop feeling anything. "would you be there for me a little more". I would say the same to you. Times when you just want to run away from your own head. Labels: about x Saturday, May 14, 2011
How easily you upset me! Yes, just by not replying to my text when I asked you a question. No excuses such as, oh I was too busy doing other things. I know you check your phone & reply to messages on a regular basis.So what am I suppose to think? I guess I'm just not interesting & engaging enough for you. But I know that I can make you happy. Your loss! Sunday is probably gonna be my last attempt. I'm really, really tired of trying so hard but not getting anything from you. If you're testing me, stop! It's unfair to me you know. I need to be with someone who tries to make me happy too. I think I have to give up because all these anxiety is doing me no good. Late night rambles. Labels: about x I cant see what's ahead of us, I cant see where we're heading. Where is the sense of adventure and exhilaration as we venture into the unknown, into the fog so thick that you cant even see your own hands? It's like trying to find a pin in the dark, hands outstretched, hoping that your roaming fingers find what you're looking for. There is fear, there is apprehension, there is uncertainty and there is some hope. Hope burns like a flame, a light in the dark but even fire burns out eventually. It's like searching for something that might not even exist but you continue anyway, grabbing at any form of distractions to keep the tendrils of nothingness from touching you. Anxiety builds up, one hair breath from the edge. These bearers of sadness are always there, little nudges to remind you of their presence but never a shove. You teetered and you fall. Or was that a leap of faith? I cant handle ambiguity.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
This is a narrative, of my story using other people's words.          Labels: life, visualgoodies I was upset over something. It's like little little baby incidents could trigger a landslide of feelings. They can be rather overwhelming, imagine a big snowball of mixed feelings rolled into one and it came crashing onto you before you can even blink. Yeah. So this song perfectly describes how I felt.
I don’t know where I’m at I’m standing at the back And I’m tired of waiting Waiting here in line, hoping that I’ll find what I’ve been chasing. I shot for the sky I’m stuck on the ground So why do I try, I know I’m gonna to fall down I thought I could fly, so why did I drown? Never know why it’s coming down, down, down. Not ready to let go Cause then I'd never know What I could be missing But I’m missing way too much So when do I give up what I’ve been wishing for. - Down, Jason Walker Then _ texted me and said something silly and there I sat on my dirty bedroom floor grinning like an idiot at my phone. Yes, it takes that little to make me happy again. I feel like a psychopath, with these emotions going up and down and up and down and how sometimes they can stay for quite a while and sometimes they changes as quick as a snap. It drives me crazy because sometimes _ acts like it doesnt matter to _, that I'm out partying at PLAY, that I'm checking out ahem ahem with David, that some girl (my classmate lah) is coming over to my house, how _ tells me to "HAVE FUN! ENJOY YOURSELF!" So what does this means? Maybe _ really doesnt care, maybe _ didnt think that we're exclusive so like whatever, we should have our own fun as much as we can????? So at the end of the day, what are WE? Friends? Cuddle-buddies? Entertainment for each other when we're bored? Or that _ cares too much that _ had to pretend that _ doesnt give a fuck because _ doesnt want to make _self vulnerable & be hurt again?? Or am I kidding myself because I want _ to care?? I DONT KNOW. See? Analyzing and trying to figure _ out drives me crazy and make me feel so damn tired. If only life is straightforward, but nothing is ever in black and white. Shall go back to watching vampire diaries & eating cheesecake at like 4.40am. Sunday, May 08, 2011
I texted/talked to _ as friends. Please let me be able to keep it that way. I think I'm seeing better without those rose-tinted glasses. Today I talked to Clarence about _ and he said, "You two werent even official!" Which made me sad because I feel like I've given alot of myself to _ but _ didnt, not as much as me anyway. _ mentioned this person-whom-i-wanted-to-punch AGAIN in _'s text, which is damn annoying because I just feel that _ cant get over this person!!  Angsty. I really should sleep but I want to eat cup noodles damnit. Labels: about x Saturday, May 07, 2011
In the end, I remember that what matters the most is being happy, and being around people who make you happy. I miss _'s company because we did have fun together but I think I need to move on. I saw this book about the universe at kino today & it looks so awesome. Unfortunately my membership card was gone along with my wallet & I cant get the damn discounts. Labels: books I dont understand why people can change partners like how I change socks. The situation resembles a dish-tasting session, once you get a bite, you push it away and move on to the next one as if everything that had happened didnt, and the special moments where you felt like you're infinite become the ghost of memories. It is like a tape, you rewind and what happened doesnt matter anymore because you restart and everything is new and fresh and beautiful. Clean slates we call it. The imprint is still there, but you choose not to notice because it is easier to pretend and deny its existence. Like a predator, it lurks in a corner of your mind, until you forget about it being there and then suddenly it surprises you and you cant fight it off anymore because you no longer remember how to. You lose because nobody ever wins. Labels: writings My wallet was stolen yesterday and it felt as if my world has ended. The trouble of canceling/blocking my cards and re-making them is just nonsense, not to mention the amount of money involved. Adding shit to this pile of shit is what _ had said to me via text. Three words to describe my feelings- WHAT THE FUCK. I'm upset and angry with what _ said and... I think I'm giving up on all these pursuing and the hopes that _ would reciprocate in the same manner. When I complained to my friends that _ makes judgmental statements about me without actually attempting to understand me better first, I thought, or could I have actually misread her? I dont know, I guess I really do try to see the good side of people, because everybody has their own demons in their back pocket and personal battles to fight everyday. I just know that I feel damn tired. Tired of putting in effort and not being appreciated because _'s heart is elsewhere. Do you really have to lose somebody before you realize how much they meant to you? I still feel your skin Soft as velvet, thick as sin Whisper tender, shiver deep You got me good No good for me - OONA Wednesday, May 04, 2011
I feel ridiculous.Labels: about x Fuck. I didnt think that you not replying to my text for hours and not replying to your close friend on fb would actually drive me crazy. But it did. WHERE ARE YOU OMG. Labels: about x You were drunk and you bit my arm really hard. I have a scar/bruise & I think of you every time I look down at my arm. But what happens when it fades off? The ghost of the memory lingers and I dont think I can ever forget. Labels: about x So like, life hasnt really been a bed of roses lately but while I complain about the shitzz that happened, there's also the little things in life to be thankful for. Assessment is on thurs and my group hasnt even finalized the damn slides!!! I get most annoyed when everybody starts digressing & talk about unrelated stuff & generally just wasting time when we could have gotten our things done earlier! I didnt feel that I'm in any position to reprimand them since I dont really have much constructive comments to add to the slides so I just kept really quiet.. and got really grumpy too. But whatever, I just want to get this shitzz over and done with. Had dinner with Ethel after that discussion and we talked alot. Well, mostly I talked & she felt sad for me & kinda tried to cheer me up. She's usually a bitch (HAHHAAH) but she's nice to talk to sometimes when we're not busy shooting each other down. Head down to the shop at PS to meet my colleague Ash for some supper (aka Round 2) and I forced her to get Popeye and Frolick with me from The Cathay. After that we headed over to SOTA and sat on the steps and talked about alot of things, mostly about girls hahahha. We stalked some people online, giggled like femmies while still trying to behave like the andros we are and basically had a good few hours of talking and purely just hanging out. I cant helped it, I kept bringing up _ because _ wouldnt stay the fuck off my mind! _ hasnt been texting me. I'm giving this a couple more days, until after my assessment. If this continues, I will know that I shouldnt have my hopes up because clearly, it's not gonna happen. Friends we shall be then. You still matter a lot to me. -sad face forever- Mundane life is mundane. I need to dream to run away. Please let me dream tonight.
Monday, May 02, 2011
With the sudden "disappearance" of _ from my life recently, I feel so.. blank. Every second seems to take a second longer to pass and hours of being left alone seems to stretch for eternity. I'm so exaggerating here but that's really how it feels like. Yes, I could have made the move and end my kinda-self-inflicted-misery but... There's always the "but's".I wish _ would care. Seriously bored at work right now & wishing for a change of environment. Labels: about x |
the demented
rveldds; jjvb
only asking for
constants to remain constant
alien-speak
to outer space
cherrie
cheryl ee suan eileen grace (partner) junkai kailin kwan linda maggie mee michelle ning qian olivia qianyue qianzhi serene sheena sheila stella sonjia szeying theresa tricia weilin wesley winnie yining zihui Little People Street Art PostSecret Postcrossing seen
o' hail
Designer: SPLASH!Resources: 1 | 2 |