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Wednesday, May 23, 2012
All these "unrequited feelings" will be the death of me. can i just stop falling in love with girls who doesnt like me back?! this is like, the third fucking time already cheebye. i am angered. shall mope in a corner and play "somebody that i used to know" on my uke.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Reading The Wind-up Bird Chronicles at Clementi mall macs now. There is no longer any transport home except via my own two legs & I'm not the least bit worried. I dont usually do such things but a moment of madness seems to rise up in me tonight and I guess I just feel like doing something out of the norm. Perhaps if I have a deep dry well on hand like Toru Okada, I might even consider climbing down to do some serious thinking.
In any case, just when I thought I'm fully immersed within the plots and intricatesy of the storytelling, she pops up suddenly in my mind. I recalled the night I took her to watch my school's production of Boys Of Syracuse and the moment we entered the cabaret styled theatre setting she grew quiet. That manner of stillness when the things in your head surprise you and you're frozen in that unexpected assault. She said that reminded her of a time she watched a play with THAT girl in a setting similar to this. I said "oh" and then nothing. It's that kind of sadness that covers you like a shroud which is hard to brush off. I could see her making a visible effort to not feel affected by those memories but I know it's hard, of course. I had been through those times. I wish very much to be able to brush off those cobwebs of sadness that had entangled themselves around her but I do not know how. The play was good, the musical theatre students from my school are amazing. Several times during the performance, I felt her leaned against me, just slightly. It's strange how one's senses grew heightened when being next to somebody you like. I do not know if it was a conscious act, maybe we were just sitting too close together hence there weren't much space for other moments. But in the heavily clouded mind of mine, that sort of absent-minded contact felt like a reassurance, that we have each other in that foreign space. I like that I have somebody I like next to me, enjoying the same things as I am, despite the sadness that continues to linger at the back of her head. I'm sorry I couldn't do anything to alleviate that but I guess we each have our personal demons to deal with.
She's coming back from her holiday tomorrow or the day after. I don't know how to feel about this, of course I long to have her near me again but I don't know if there's anything that has changed in the past 1.5 months we were apart. I'm rather afraid that..well nvm I don't know how to put my feelings into words.
Thursday, May 17, 2012
i need to stop & go to sleep. i apologize to anyone who reads all these (if there's even anyone) for these continuously lovesick rants that honestly feels like the only thing dominating my life right now.was rather upset over the fact that she's sad & she's far away & i couldnt do shit about that. all i could the whole afternoon was to mope about and watch game of thrones. met up with cj & nico afterwards to attend an artist talk, still feeling like shit though the talk was rather insightful. loitered outside gay world ie. cine while they smoke & we talked about everything and checking out girls at the same time. lawl lezzy life. cj say, "if you guys can get together, you can...." yes yes yes, i know. a hundred and one scenarios flashing behind my eyes, looping endlessly. all these plans, fictional. i feel like i'm driving myself crazy and i fucking hate it. so the day is ending and it's still not getting better. just need her to be near so i can hug her & feel all possessive about it. that. is. all. i. need. I hate feeling upset over the stupidest reasons, & the fact that she is. not. replying. to. me. properly. via. skype. or. fb msg. should be the last thing I'm upset about. But noooooo, here I am, feeling all insane & ape-shitz crazy because idk why I'm kinda being ignored nor do I know if she just needed space & time to think about what I told her nor do I know if she just dont want to give me false hopes or maybe she's just busy and sad over her own personal issues and doesnt have time to entertain me & my nonsense. wahlaocheebye can i just swear the fuck out of everything right now. i hate feeling like some emotionally unstable beetch just because the girl i like doesnt seems to miss me as much as i miss her. end of rant, time to kill some ants. Monday, May 14, 2012
In need of some reassurance, some sort of sign, I went for tarot reading again last thurs. I asked about her, and of course you know who I meant. I asked about our connection, drew the cards and 6 out of 7 of them turn out to be very good cards (there's even a "True Love" one). He said alot of positive things about us, and that if, if. IF we get together, it will be a long and stable relationship with adequate emotional support. However, we would need to have better communication, the practical side of things need to be worked out.
Also, I asked will my feelings be reciprocated and he said that there's a high possibility but it's a "transformative process which will take months". She will be "hard to get" but I have the "creativity" that will win her over and by using that, she will gradually be intrigued by me.
I know, I know, how reliable can tarot readings be right. But I like to take them as food for thought and also like I said, some sort of reassurance. Months, he said. So many months of trying, of doing everything I can, but always never the right girl. My room is filled with corpses of things that I bought, with the intention of giving to the ones I had loved but never had a chance to. Such things, scattered forlornly in dusty corners, have so much memories and emotions clinging on to them that I can never bear to do more than stubbornly disregard their existence.
Sometimes I wish falling in love could really be instantaneous, like a polaroid, just to save trouble and the heartaches for later. But of course that's bullshit, it just doesnt happen for me. It's always been the little quirks and things that attract me and make me fall in love with the girl. Her shy & embarrassed looks when I returned her something that she dropped, her peculiar "system" of organizing and listening to music, her panicky loud shriek when she realized that she left her vibrator out & I was just right there (lol @ this 4ever), her love for her cat, the lines and contours on her face when she spoke of serious issues, when she meow at me randomly with those curious eyes, when she does her "black man" imitations, the fact that she has an alter ego all made up(@_@), how she has her escape route and plans mapped out in case of a zombie apocalypse(we both take this very seriously okay).... actually there's a lot more & I could go on and on but I think I've already said enough. I think it's quite obvious that I really miss her.
Dear Goddess Oracle, all my past readings done by you had been veryyy accurate and I sincerely hope that you're right once more about this girl. If there should be a day when she agrees to be my girlfriend, I will cry tears of joy and; buy you Lao Ban beancurd.
Today my friend said to me, "dont get too upset." The other said, "I think she didnt mean anything kissing someone else." I know, I know, of course I know. But how am I suppose to NOT be affected by that sort of information?! How am I suppose to block out these bitter feelings?! -gives sian face- Tuesday, May 01, 2012
i tried to be brave about this, i plucked up courage & confessed. it wasnt the best of timings i suppose, but she needed to know that i care about her & i care about her very much. she needed to know that when she's done with her shenanigans in the States, she would have someone to come home to, someone who will be waiting for her, waiting to love her & make her happy again. i dont know how much she believes in that though, i like to think that, the fact i havent been given a "no" for an answer means i do get a chance. that there's a thin slice of hope. i tried to be nonchalant over the short responses i get from her on skype, but it's not easy to pretend to not care when in fact it does bother me a great deal. a million dialogues tripping over each other in my head, things that exist only when my eyes are closed & i could pretend it's all good. it's all good i say, it's all good. but meanwhile, i wait.
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