I think you need to make your decision because I'm already made mine very clear.

Okay, back to tidying my room. Yes, I'm attempting to tidy my room at like 1.30am -_-

All these.. statements that _ made about me, though kind of ridiculous-sounding at times but other times I wonder how true they may be. Like you know, if it's a subconscious thing that I'm doing which I'm not aware of but it's something that other people could see. I guess I'm just very annoyed that _ chose to point out these differences/characteristics in me that I never saw as a problem or anything to be concern about and make it sound like its a bad thing. So what if I'm "weird"? Everybody is weird anyway, I'm just less subtle. What is "weird"? That is such a vague descriptive word used to describe somebody who doesn't behave like everybody else and seriously, what's so bad about that?

I have not really been actively questioning myself for a while now, since I've gotten comfortable with who I am. Also lately, some truths had been revealed to my closer friends such that I no longer had to hide or avoid certain topics, and to see that people I care about, are not making any judgment really makes me feel good. Even my male colleague went to sign up for this particular wristband online and gave it to me, how damn freaking awesome is that?!

So much thoughts on this lately, even with _ who talked about it with me. I just feel that sometimes we cant be too careful, if we're always afraid of what the outcome may be then, we may never get the thing we really want. I told _, live in the present, but _ doesn't seems to get it. I think that sometimes we're too caught up in the past to fully appreciate life as it is, appreciate people who are actually by your side right, right now. The reason why people hold on to memories so tight is because they are the only things that wouldnt change when everything else does and people are afraid of changes so they never really want to accept that it happens. I hope _ understands these soon, before it's well... too late.

I'm at home typing this post now, on a thursday night. I haven't been home at this time on a thursday night because I'm usually out at play with _. I could have gone today, cj had been trying to get me to but I'm just not in the mood to. All the drama, the stuff that repeats itself week after week, is getting on my nerves and I just wanna slap someone and tell this someone to grow the fuck up. There's really no need to behave that way, like come onnnn mannnn, areee youuu freakinggg kiddinggg meee??

I am weary of always being the one who takes the initiative, maybe if you care enough, you would actually show more concern? Maybe the reason why people leave is because you dont give them a reason to stay or, when they want to leave and you dont fight hard enough to keep them.

Though my posts haven't really been the chirpy, cheerful kind lately, but I'm fine really, perhaps just a tad bit gloomy. My head just have been overworking a lot lately and it feels like there are so much thoughts in my head that I cant balance when I walk. I'm not depressed goddamnit, so STOP saying that I'm not alright but I AM FINE OKAY. It just pissed me off when people assume and insist that I'm not just because of my current entanglements.

My body feels weak, from the motherfucking cramps.

So i sat in the showers, arms around my knees and let the water beat against my head repeatedly. They cant get in because nothing can get inside my head now. The water creates a pocket of space in which only my thoughts and I exist. It is kind of like being trapped in your own head, a perfect way of escape, unless its your own thoughts that you're escaping from, which hasnt happen to me. Yet. The uneven rhythm slowly takes on a beat. Thud, thud, thudthud, thud. Time stops being a constant. Thud, thudthud, thud. My fingers turn wrinkly and they feel rough against my skin. My ass feels like... well, I'm not gonna go into that actually.

You twirl me around your fingers like play dough and why the fuck did I allow that to happen?

I wish you would tell me because it's not nice to lead me on.

I get it, I'm not your ideal partner and I only make you feel safe & comfortable, which doesnt seems to be enough reason to keep me eh?

Voices in my head, inner dialogues.

Today at work, time was crawling and it was still.

Perhaps I wanted and needed distractions in the form of you but you're in a land far far away.

White Party tomorrow and though I've been joking about how awesome it would be but,

my fingers would feel lonely.

I think when it comes to certain things, I'm too soft, too easy. Friends are telling me that it's not good to always be the nice one and well, I dont know if I can be mean when it comes to people I care about.

I dont know how you always manage to evade my questions, and I dont know how I let you get away with it. Even when it's important questions like, "Are you interested in us being just friends or can we be something special together?" I dont know what it means when you cant, or you just refuse to give me an answer.

Perhaps I really shouldnt think so much 'cause sometimes I feel that I think too much.

I'm not emo lah, just contemplating life.

Sometimes we get answers, sometimes we come to realizations.

Like oh my fucking gawd, I swear my heart jumped to my throat as a hundred of wild images and thoughts swirled through my mind like a hurricane.

Well, still have no idea what my first friend wants to talk to me about but the second one wasnt really much so it was fine. Though right now my heart is still beating rather fast, I'm just gonna blog to calm down a bit.

I guess the reason why my anxiety level just shot through the roof is because I'm afraid of losing something which could potentially cripple my heart. The thing is, I'm not even sure if I have it in the first place, so technically you cant lose something you dont have. The most fucked up thing is, I'm already preparing myself for the worst because that is how little faith I have in this. I want to be wrong, that what I'm thinking are just projections of my insecurities and that it has nothing to do with the fact that I'm actually having more conversations with _'s friends than _; or that _ always seems to be lost in own head, thinking about a million of things that made a silent buzz around us; or that _ is just plain bored with me because Im not interesting enough.

SEE? I DONT FUCKING KNOW?? Yes I know I should totally ask _ but school's starting and like, there just isnt any opportunities to talk about stuff like this...

Oh well, we shall see how it goes. I guess right now I just have to keep reminding myself to be contented with those happy feelings I get whenever I'm with _.

I dont know where we stand. I dont know where I stand. I feel like you're still testing the waters while I've already made a reckless dive into the deep. Today you saw how weak I am, like physically because I cant win you when we wrestle and I've an extremely bad sense of balance. Sometimes I wonder if I'm okay with people knowing these, the flawed parts. I dont even know?! You said, "we are very different" and I was shouting loudly inside my head, "IS IT A GOOD OR A BAD THING??" Labels, labels, labels, how I hate them. Why do we have to put a name to everything and cant we just forget about these words and rely on the feeling? How do we know when it is enough? Because I'm really trying very hard. I just dont know if its enough. I dont even know why I'm feeling like this, maybe because I've having expectations despite me telling myself that I really mustnt?? I want to ask you, because I cant read people well and I need some answers but it doesnt feel right to ask such questions. I dont know, it feels great and then it feels weird and then it feels great again and it becomes a cycle. It's like you're waiting for me to make a move and then I dont know which move I should make.

Okay fuck it. I'm going to sleep.

I've never had such intense feelings before, when we sat so close and I looked into your eyes and suddenly I cant seems to catch my breath and I felt like my heart was just gonna stop any moment.

Let's hope that this lasts.

Have you ever felt that because you're thinking so much that it gets so noisy inside your head that it feels like its exploding, wanting to spill all those damn thoughts out, its like a volcano eruption, waiting to overwhelm everything in its path with lava and ashes, that overpowering wave of unstoppable force and the thing is, this may seems like eternity but it actually only lasted for a short moment. It's then gone. But you still feel its ghosts brushing past you as unseen forces push against you. Go away, go away they say. You stop and listen, but you hear nothing except the noises in your head.

Okay, I'm feeling better now after writing that paragraph. That was automatic writing, you know, kind of just let the words in your head flow out through your fingertips. It doesnt have to make sense but its extremely liberating.

Right now I'm caught in a place where I dont know what I should do, I'm stuck.

I'm not even wanting that much, just some... responsiveness. I'm trying, but it's just not hard enough and it's just not in the right way and it's not what you want and so.. I think we're just not right.