....and for me to come to such realizations, is just painful. I give up, I really give up on this.

...just cause i was like adfffamgomoufiwjnflkanalkslbaf because she ignored me when i was talking to her!!!! wthwthwth.

having such a conver at 6 fucking am when i havent slept is just ridic.

i dont wanna deal with such things, such feelings anymore seriously.

I feel lame for many things I've thought about, I think of the promises that were casually made & I'm scared because I hate to be upset if such promises turn out to be empty. I hate to have negative emotions hovering around me because they engulf and consume me and I hate feeling that way. Almost at the fourth month mark, counting down to a date that has yet to be fixed. So much hope pinned to that and...it's scary. Distance & time difference, I feel a chasm widening. I try not to be needy and like a druggie, sedate myself with activities that drive such thoughts into the dark crevices of the mind.

Also, she stopped telling me that she misses me, since The Talk. I wonder why.

I dont know, tonight is a strange night & I feel that deep in my bones.

...

it's not that i'm deliberately giving her the -.- face

it's like i said, "i miz u" & i do expect some sort of response

not be ignored completely

i know she's tired, she's grumpy

& i'm okay with showing concern

because i'm always the one giving > receiving

but "okay fine" in response is just terrible

;____;

i'm like, okay i know i'm not good enough for you & i dont know the right things to say & i cant be there so yeah. that is all.

I just want to be where she is, 6-7months is way too long.

I'm pretty contented with life at this point, not the happiest, but life is still okay.

I got tired of wanting, worrying & wishing, that had drained so much of my energy that I feel as if the dementors had claimed my soul. I still want, worry & wish for certain things, however I'm trying my best to waggle my middle finger at those things & just go, eh fuck it lah, I need to be happy too.

So here I am finding happiness from the smallest of things, & hey, there's plenty to be happy about.

I feel insane though it appears that this school term will be a relatively good one, despite being bogged down by tedious assignments as I've managed to insert myself into groups with people I like working with.

I feel insane because my dear good friend is leaving for America in approximately a month's time & she'll be away for 1.5months during which I'll have no one to go with me for poetry readings, plays/gigs, camp inside secondhand bookstores & be excited over a good find, or to trek through the urban jungle down to her house to lepak even at 11pm.

I feel insane because I've been spending so much of my time with this friend that I havent been meeting up with my other friends (I still love you guys okay) & bestfriend and everybody is busy and I'm busy and we all busy at different times so it's hard to meet up when everyone is busy at different times.

I feel insane because I like a girl too much, but she's too far away right now & I'm a worrier, I freak myself out with scenarios I imagined (though sometimes they are legit) and basically go into the flail-y arms state which degenerates into me, flopping somewhere on the ground & refusing to do anything. This might have been exaggerated but I think it helps paint a good visual image of my state of mind. Be safe there, anywhere, you trouble kid. Time is crawling towards July when I'll see your stups faise again.

Sometimes I think of the tarot reading I had a couple of months back & that makes me feel hopeful but realistically, that is like trying to hold on to smoke. Intangible.

There are many a things I wish for right now & damn you fairy godmother come leh, come turn my wishes into reality.

"i'm not interested in your mind games", someone once said that to me. ...what even?! All I did was to invest everything in trying to keep her happy, and all I asked for is a bit of affection in return and suddenly i'm playing mind games?! lawl, what a joke. Anyway, I'm just glad I put that & her behind in 2011 cause if somebody is so skilled at making you feel miserable 87% of the time, then she aint a keeper.

The above paragraph is unrelated to the issue that drove me here but I thought I would just rant abit on the ridiculousness of some people.

Today, two emotions were intensely felt throughout the day, namely frustration and anger. Frustration stemmed from how helpless I felt when she (note: different from the her above arh, this one different girl) poured out her woes to me and all I can do was grimace at my screen & typed furiously in reply. I respect people who manages their long distance relationship well, I personally can never do it. How can I be okay or be able to accept the fact that someone I love is having a bad day & I cant even do the simplest act of comfort ie. to hug her??

Angry at her, because I just dont approve of how she's putting herself in a position where she can be hurt easily. Angry, also because I think she should just come back to me & be treated right. Angry, because I dont think she took my comment "i would date you actually" seriously.

Ranting completed. I dont know what I should do, what I can do even, but life goes on so I will keep calm & carry on.