Anyway, that's beside the point. I've been thinking about some stuff which I just wanna regurgitate here. Incoherently because I'm lazy to organize them.

I've been going to the lesb club quite frequently in these couple of months and yeah well, it's nice to drink & then dance wildly with a buzz but more importantly, that feeling of being surrounded by girls who ohmygawdd, like girls too. I know it sounds silly, but whenever I see my lesb friends being so cute and sweet with their girls, or just random lesb couples outside holding hands, I get this warm feeling and a sense of amazement, that wow, these people are happy and does it really matter that the person who made them feel that way is of the same gender as them? Look at us, look at them, look at those smiles and say, big fuck you to society and societal norms those bullshit.

I think one of the several cute moments I had with the girl was when we were out shopping at Far East Plaza and this really pretty angmoh girl walked past us and immediately our eyes followed her like pervs. Then almost as if telepathy exists, we looked at each other at the same time with a cheeky smile. She was like, "we're so lesbian". Checking out cute girls together with other lesbs has got to be one of my favourite things to do lol.

I only came out around this time last year. I have a friend who once told me that she felt bad because she felt that she had influenced me into going down this road & that I shouldnt because my life will be fucked up. Sooo, here's what I always wanted to tell her but I didnt want to, because I dont want conflicts & those nonsense. She should not have assumed that I only have feelings for girls starting last year. Unknown to her (& friend ah, you never bother asking me too), I've always been so since like, primary school lol. But it had always been one of those things that I choose to ignore, because ignoring things can make them go away. But it didnt, so here I am now, at a point in my life where I'm finally digging these skeletons out from the closet, and accepting things the way they are.

Let us also analyzed what my friend had said about "my life will be fucked up". Yes in a way she's right, I've been miserable like fuck (getting better I would say though) for about a month now. It's been a month since the girl I've such strong feelings for, the girl whose heart I've been trying to win over since march, the girl whom had truly made me understood the feeling of being infinite as well as eternal gloom; got herself a girlfriend and told me that she didnt have feelings for me.

That moment was, the saddest I ever felt. Even the word "sad" seems too mild to describe how I had felt/am actually still feeling. Okay, maybe "eternal gloom" would suffice. Regardless, I would just like to say that despite all the heartaches & pain & sadness, she really, really, made me feel the happiest I could be. I miss her badly, but I know I need to get over her because she's obviously doing well without me by her side.

Sometime we lose, sometime we gain. If we try to convert "life" into a line graph, there would be all these branches and alternate routes for all the points in our life where decisions are made, consciously, subconsciously. I've met good people, form friendships, things that would not have been possible if say, a different route was taken. I think at the end of the day, we'll have to remember that everything happens for a reason and just because life is shit now, doesnt mean it will be so forever.

I think I'm at this point in my life where I find it unnecessary to hide this part about myself because I've never been this comfortable about myself. My friends who love me, accept this and I'm forever thankful for that.

Okay end of sharing, time to go back to those damn research & readings zzz.